


so many bright lights that cast a shadow

by giveemcoffeekid



Series: Famous Last Words [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (sorry), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bi Peter Parker, C-PTSD, Dissociation, F/M, Gay Harley Keener, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, May Parker (Spider-Man) Dies, Mental Health Issues, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Harley Keener, Sad Peter Parker, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-01-26 04:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21367828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giveemcoffeekid/pseuds/giveemcoffeekid
Summary: May Parker suffers from a series of health issues and when it is clear that she will not make it, Peter feels his soul leave his body.Very dramatic wording for falling into a deep depression, but Peter doesn't bother to think about it.Headfirst into unhealthy coping mechanisms, he doesn't notice how many people actually care about him._____________Coping through fics is healthy right?!
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Harley Keener/ Peter Parker, James "Rhodey" Rhodes/Tony Stark (past), Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Famous Last Words [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1741120
Comments: 91
Kudos: 290





	1. But can I speak?

When they shut down the machines it felt like the flatlining noise of the heart monitor was as connected to his soul as it was to his Aunt’s heart.  
May was gone.

Peter remembered the day that she fell over the carpet in their living room and would not move anymore.

Peter remembered how they told him that his Aunt would be fine, that the stroke was not fatal.

Peter remembered how Mr Stark had her transferred to the compound MedBay as soon as he heard.

Peter remembered how the second stroke hit on their way upstate.

He remembered how his Aunt promised it would be fine. That the coma would help her body heal and when she wakes up it will be like nothing happened.

Peter was faced with a reality that would not ever allow anything to be like nothing happened.

“Pete? Peter?” Tony tried to get the boy back to earth. He knew that dissociation was a common form of protecting the mind, but he had to get Peter back in his body.  
The man knew he could not touch Peter in this state. It happened once and Tony did not feel the need for another black eye from his protege.  
Of course, Peter did not hit him on purpose. The boy’s body reacted on reflex.

So he was forced to stand in front of Peter waiting and hoping for the boy to respond to him.  
“Peter, buddy, come back hm? We need to figure some stuff out okay?”

Peter still did not react, the look on his face and in his eyes just seemed so far away. If Tony did not know better one could have mistaken Peter for the dead Parker and not his late Aunt.

Around them a team of nurses and doctors rushed around, fixing up May Parker’s body, removing tubes and cables and finally removing her.

“I am alone.” Came the sudden tiny whisper. Tony instantly kneeled in front of Peter to be able to look him in the eyes. His knees protested and he cursed his age in the back of his mind.

“No, Pete no, you are never alone.” Finally, Peter’s eyes seemed to clear and he looked into Tony’s eyes like they held an answer to a question nobody asked.

“I am. This is it. I am fifteen. And the last living Parker. I am going to be forced into a foster system everybody knows is rigged, I will lose my scholarship for Midtown and never see my friends again, I will be placed god knows where and maybe never see you again and then-”

He spiralled and Tony was so overwhelmed because he has been there. Hell, he had no clue how to deal with someone spiralling that was not him.  
“Peter stop. Please. We gonna find a way. I promise. We find someone who is capable of taking care of you and-” Suddenly anger burned in Peter’s eyes and Tony was painfully reminded that the boy was a teenager, emotional and passionate.

“And what?! Does the next person die? The next guardian will be killed by Parker luck? And what about me? About Spider-Man?! No matter how nice someone might be, nobody will ever live up to what she did for me, who she is to me.”

Angry tears ran down his face, confusion, sadness and grief clouting his entire being. Peter could not cope anymore. He could not. This was his last straw. A sudden wave of energy hit him and he jumped up, almost right into Mr Stark’s face.

“I am not going to let any other person into my life just to get them ruined and further ruin me.”

Mr Stark seemed to think about this for a second.

“How about someone you know already?” Peter huffed. “Yeah right, I am sorry Mr Stark but I don’t...I don’t want to think about this. Not right now.” All the energy from mere seconds ago left his body and he slumped back into the plastic chair. A sobbed rocked his body and Mr Stark, who hated hugs or any physical sign of affection hugged him. A long, firm hug that conveyed ‘You Are Safe’.

But Peter knew he was not safe. His entire life had crumbled in front of him.

“I will go and sign a temporary guardianship with Pepper okay bud? Then you have more time to figure this out, we have more time to figure this out, hm?” Tony tried to convey as much optimism and affection in these two sentences as he could. Peter needed him. This was not the place for his own emotional issues.

“I don’t….don’t want to burden you more Mr Stark. I am sorry.” Peter led his head hang. “You would never burden me, Peter, okay? You are my protege, my kid, my responsibility. And if this gives you more comfort I am Tony Stark, if I didn’t want to take care of you or spend time with you, I wouldn’t.”

The last sentence hit a soft spot in Peter.

“R-really?” He whimpered. He knew Mr Stark did not do bullshit, but it still meant a lot to the boy to know that the billionaire actually, consciously decided to spend time with him. That it wasn’t just for pity or out of an odd sense of responsibility.

Mr Stark’s smile softened.  
“Really. I am not proud of my asshole moments but I tend to turn people away no matter what they try to get me into. I didn’t sign any birthday cards or condolences cards in my entire life. Because I either care enough to be there in person or I don’t care at all.”  
“Isn’t that like super bad for PR?” Peter whispered and Mr Stark had to bite back a smile. “You spent some time with Pepper? I mean she has a stamp with my signature on it for this kind of things. Or rather the PR apartment does because if she wants my signature she tortures me to get it.”

Peter nodded, tears still running down his face, his head heavy with clouds and circuits burning because they could not process the data that May Parker was gone.

“She said when she wakes up from the coma, it will be like nothing happened.”  
He spoke in the heavy silence of the MedBay room. It was so odd to miss the sound of breathing machines and heart monitors and whatever the other dozen machines had been for.

Mr Stark nodded solemnly.

“Sometimes these things happen and we just are helplessly forced to try and cope with the aftermaths. She will be fine you know? It is a shitty way to look at it that way because you still hurt, but at least she does not.”

Peter hummed, eyes far away but at least he could listen to Mr Starks voice.

It would be a long night.


	2. Well, is it hard understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some wounds just won't heal, others heal too fast and some wounds find their way to you like you never expected them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii! Sorry for the short Note in the first chapter, I was omw to work and really wanted to post this story. 
> 
> I've had a really challenging week regarding my mental health and I just needed to find a healthy way to cope - so I let Peter suffer instead of me yeet. 
> 
> Warning for graphic Self-Harm and suicidal thoughts in this chapter!

When Peter returned to Midtown a month after everything happened he was changed. Not only was his legal name now Peter Benjamin Parker-Stark but he was not the same kid that left.  
Usually, when he did not pay attention he would at least try and cover it up by knowledge.  
Now he did not even bother to know.  
It was not worth it. Education could not save May, the System did not save Ben and Engineering did not save his parents. 

Who was he, when he let go of these things? Fighting crime was the only thing he could get himself to. But even the criminals of New York wondered about Spider-Man’s suddenly oh so quiet demeanour.  
There used to be a Twitter Account dedicated to quippy things Spidey was overheard saying while webbing up criminals. No new tweets in the past two months. 

Ned tried to reach out but the silent way of Peter, whenever they spend time creeped him out after some weeks. Peter’s face never showed emotion and it was scarrier to Ned than any rated horror movie he and Peter had sneaked into. 

MJ acknowledged Peter’s presence and seemed to accept it. She would never admit that she missed the dorky and hyperactive teen but she respected Peter’s need to heal. 

Even Flash backed down after Peter didn’t even flinch at his increasingly meaner comments.

Peter Parker lived like a walking corpse and nobody could find the courage to speak to him.

The third month after May’s death Tony could not take it anymore. It was November and the kid had missed Halloween. He only went out as Spider-Man to stop crimes. Like every day. 

“Kid we need to talk.” Peter’s head shot up.  
“Yes?” Short, emotionless. Just like Peter in the past months.  
Tony’s eyes got softer. “How are you?”  
“I am fine Mr Stark.” Tony groaned silently  
“Okay please stop calling me Mr Stark, you live with me and I adopted you. Not even Captain “I am super formal” America calls me Mr Stark anymore.”  
He tried to soften the mood with the last part but did not get any kind of reaction from Peter apart from an apathetic nod.  
“Okay, Tony. Was that all?” It let cold shivers run down his spine as Peter sounded more robotic than any AI he ever coded.  
“No...Pete you know you can always talk to me yeah? Like, I will never judge or play down or overdramatize how you feel. Maybe you should try and talk to someone…” Peter cocked his head sideways and was silent for a second.  
“Why?” The honest wonder in Peter’s voice took Tony aback.  
“Pete you haven’t been the same since May...happened. I suck with emotions but please try and talk to someone. I don’t even need to know who. If it costs money, take it, if it’s free I don’t mind but...you can’t bottle up this kind of things. Trust me, I tried.”  
Another apathetic nod.  
“I will leave now for a walk.” He announced his voice lacking any kind of emotions and again it sent shivers down the engineer’s spine. 

Peter did not plan to come home that night. 

‘Theyknowtheyknowtheyknowtheyknow’ Is all that went on in his mind.  
His arms itching from slowly healing up cuts and yet yearning for new ones. ‘It was only a matter of time until anyone would find out, you suck at playing pretend you useless killer machine. Did you really expect them to believe your charade of being okay? Pathetic.'  
His head screamed at Peter, yet he could not even bring himself to flinch at the harsh words.  
Because it was true.  
So he went for a walk. Ever since Mr St- Tony had bought back the tower just so that they had a residence inside the city he occasionally took walks.  
Little did his adoptive father know that he used his walks to spend hours on different rooftops. 

‘Just because you don’t cut at home under their surveillance doesn’t mean they won’t figure it out you dumb son of a bitch. That will be next. They will take it away from you. First they take your freedom, then they take your blades and last they take you!’ His head sneared. 

He took a deep breath of subway air. 

The ride from Manhattan to Queens felt like he just went through a portal that transported him back to when he would spend every other Friday in the labs with Mr Stark. Just the two of them discussing and trying to improve the world with science. Then he would hop on the subway and get back home to May for some semi eatable recipe she tried and he would be content with his life as Peter Parker. 

He did not know what urged him to go back to Queens on this day. The only time he went there now was to be Spider-Man. But there he was Peter Parker at his old stop, waiting for the world to end. 

It took him only a few minutes to get to his old apartment block.  
He didn’t even accompany Tony and Ms Potts when they made sure everything in the old Parker apartment was taken care of.  
Short story, Peter had not been here since he and May rushed to the hospital after her first stroke.  
There were lights lit in his old room and he suddenly realized that someone new already lived there. Of course, living space was rare and the apartment was nice yet cheap.  
What did he expect? 

It still stung. He climbed up the walls and it took him every ounce of willpower to not glimpse into the stranger’s room that once was his. 

When he reached the top of the building a wave of relief already neared.  
His body and mind knew what would follow, a routine so imprinted in his subconscious that maybe he should wonder if this was the right thing. 

But he did not wonder when he fished for his shoes and the razor blade that was taped inside. He knew he had to be cautious about this, Friday could easily detect something like a single razor blade (a part of him wondered why). So he taped it on the inside of his shoe with enough tape to make sure it would not cut in his feet during the day. 

“Well hello there tiny friend.” He almost smiled at the shining silver reflection. Almost.  
He sat down on the edge and let his feet dangle down. For a moment he took in his surroundings, the beauty of New York, the skyline, the lights and the knowledge that for every light there was life. 

So many lives were out there, not only in New York but all around the world and the universe. And none of them was his relative, his Aunt, his Uncle or his parents. 

A tiny sobbed crawled it’s way up the boy’s throat and he rolled up his sleeves, the cold November air nibbling at his torn skin. He cut a line but it didn’t bleed. So he cut the same time until it bled and repeated that process a few more times close by the first line. 

‘So many people are out there...and they all have meaningful lives. But you? You are a useless burden. You killed your entire family Pete! How could you?!’  
At the sudden clear and hurtful comments of his mind he slipped and cut an uneven, ragged and way too deep cut.  
“Shit.” He murmured yet failed to fil his words with any kind of emotions.  
‘You are even too incompetent to cut yourself and treat you the way everyone should treat you, what the fuck Parker.’ 

Another cut, this time purposefully deep and uncontrolled. His usually need lines that were the same length, the same depth and always in the same distance to each other were suddenly connected. Some had been faint scars looking like they happened a decade ago when in reality they happened three months ago. 

He lost himself in a fit of thoughtless slashing. He didn’t care what would happen. 

If he died that night of blood loss, at least nobody else he cared about would die. 

‘Well isn’t that true?’ His mind whispered. 

And the realization hit him like a train. 

He needed to die. 

But his healing would not allow him many options.  
And he really wanted to feel the rush of falling one last time.  
He knew that it would be safest to jump from one of the many high buildings in New York, but then someone had to clean him up from the streets or worse he could hit someone. 

The bridges around New York were not that high, but he hoped that the George-Washington Bridge would do it. It was the highest bridge he could think of that was in reach. 

His arms still bleeding, his mind lightheaded and his heart cramping he decided it was time for Peter Parker to leave Queens.


	3. I'm incomplete?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's oh so calculated plan to end it all, did miss one variable - Iron Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIII! I hope you all are doing okay and that you enjoyed the angst so far. I am trying to upload every few days, but this is literally the last chapter I had pre-written so it might take me one or three more days. Especially because I will be in London next week. 
> 
> Please be warned this chapter describes a very detailed suicide attempt.

It was almost too easy for Peter to get on top of the bridge.  
He did not care if someone saw him climbing up the steel beams with his movements oh so similar to Spider-Man’s.

He was Spider-Man, or he used to be. Now he was just another suicidal headcase climbing up the highest inner-city bridge of New York to end his miserable life.

Let them all know he was Spider-Man.  
Who could they hurt over him?

His family was gone, his friends had distanced themselves from him - or did he distance himself from them?- and Tony could take care of himself as could Ms Potts.

There was nothing left to lose for the boy apart from his life.  
But he was already on his way to fix this mistake.

When he reached the top he could feel his heart speed up and for the first time in over three months he started to feel alive. What an odd yet cruel paradox it was for him. Starting to feel alive mere moments before he was about to end it all for good.

But it did not matter. He was about to see May again and Ben and he would finally meet his parents.  
Not just some flimsy memories and dusty photographs.  
The waves of relief and some odd sense of peace that filled his chest drowned any feeling of dread or at least the last sense of self-preservation he had in his body. He was drained.  
No more will to live, no more will to fight.  
It wasn’t like he didn’t care. He cared.  
But it was not enough to keep him.

Did he feel sorry for anyone who would mourn him?

Yes, but not because they lost him. But because they had cared for him.  
Nobody would ever profit off of Peter Parker.  
Spider-Man couldn’t save him.

So when he was about to take steps and steps closer to the edge, he was calculating that hitting the cemented bottom of the beam was the most secure way to proceed. Easy to clean, nobody was there and he would definitely be smashed.  
‘You even care about people having to take care of your corpse, you are pathetic. Glad we agree on your death.’

Yes.

It would be perfect.

Peter suddenly was afraid, that jumping, and hopefully being smashed, was enough for his healing factor to give up. The blade, he had clenched between his fingers the entire time, was now up to make one last big appearance in his short to be life.

He carefully placed it next to the tendon, that connected his hand and his elbow, seeing the blue veins pop out in contrast to his pale skin. He knew it would hurt, but it would be worth it.  
For a split second, he wondered if that was how people felt that got tattoos, but dismissed the thought.

He pressed the blade as deep as he could handle and while first blood beads already poured up, he dragged it down his arm, crossing so many of his scars and wound. In a wave of desperate adrenaline, he sliced another, as deep, as long line down his arm.

But in the faint rush of New York city’s noise a new sound suddenly elevates to Peter’s conscious.  
Thrusters.  
Not any thrusters.  
His head snapped up from his left wrist, which was so, so empty of long red lines, just to be faced with an approaching Iron Man mark.  
That one Mark that once saved him from the Vulture and then would continue to save him in several missions.  
A physical manifestation of his failures, his and Spider-Man's.

No.

NONONO.

He needed to do this, he needed to finish this.

So without any further thought, no nostalgia and no energy left, he jumped.  
Feeling the wind caress his face and fondle his hair, he was ready for it all to end.  
Yet he felt his heart’s pace pick up with the approaching cement and he closed his eyes.

Embracing the darkness he yearned for.

“Boss there is a sighting of a person matching Peter Parker-Stark’s description on top of George-Washington Bridge.” Tony’s head shot up from his coffee mug. “What?! Why?!”  
“According to my research the George-Washington Bridge is a very frequented place for jumpers to end their lives, would you like t-” Before Friday could end the sentences Tony had activated his Nanosuit and was on his way to the thankfully closeby bridge. Even if the person was not Peter, which every cell of his body prayed for, he would save them.

Since he could see the bridge from the Tower in Midtown Manhattan he tried to zoom in while speeding his thrusters.  
But his heart stopped when, indeed, the person on top of one of the highest bridges in New York City was his adopted son.  
Blood dripping down his arms.   
Tony prayed in the back of his mind that his mask had a glitch that made it look like the boy held a razor blade.  
Peter's super-hearing must have picked up the thrusters noise because he looked up.  
For the first time in months, Tony could see an emotion on his kid’s face.

Panic.

So when Tony sped up his thrusters he only could watch as Peter jumped.

For a second-time standstill. It would take him a mere second to be with Peter and from the Vulture incidents he knew the kid would survive that high of a fall when facing the water. What he didn’t calculate was that Peter aimed for the solid cemented bottom of the beam.

It was mere seconds before he reached Peter’s body, just a few feet over the ground and Tony choked up out of relief.   
He caught him.  
“Boss it appears Peter has several wounds that need to be attended medically.”  
Friday quipped and Tony was robbed of the few seconds of euphoria about catching his kid from Death’s claws.

The first thing that came into Peter’s mind was the pain. His chest, his arms, even his head was throbbing with pain  
Conscious crawled it’s way back into Peter and with every conquered inch of his mind he grew more aware.

A steady beeping.  
The silent dripping of fluid close to his body.

The pain.  
The pain.  
The pain.

_He was not dead._

The realization hit him like a truck.

He wanted to force his eyes open, but it was so hard. Just tiny glimpses of light made their way between his heavy lids until he finally got them separated enough to wake.

While he was blinded by the bright light outside of his darkness, someone took his hand. While he would usually flinch away, his body did not react.  
And besides.  
He relished in the comfort.

“Pete…” Tony’s suddenly way too soft voice send an electric shock through his body.

Guilt, shame, embarrassment and an odd, misplaced feeling of anger overrun Peter. Yet he couldn’t even properly open his eyes.

“Take your time kid, nobody is rushing you.” The soft voice of his adoptive father soothed him.

He did not want to come back.  
He never wanted to come back at all, so he just gave in to the darkness calling for him and fell back to sleep, a warm, yet rough hand holding his.


	4. A life that's so demanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hello how are you?  
Thank you for all the comments I received in the past days! It's truly amazing to me how well you all like this fic! 
> 
> This is the last prewritten chapter I have at hand and I hope I get to finish one or two tonight, but I will be rather inactive from the 15th til the 26th bc I will be in London and have someone visit me. 
> 
> (Not saying that nothing will come, just saying that uploads might be less fast) 
> 
> Lots of love and stay safe uwu

Tony spent every second he could manage by Peter’s bed in the MedBay. 

They did not want him to associate his room with what had happened so they situated him in one of the private rooms of the MedBay, 

Dr Cho and Bruce were the first ones available when he flew (crashed) into the tower, head to toe in Iron Man armour with a bleeding, unconscious boy in his arms.   
  
His right arm had required stitches, to make sure the vertical wounds wouldn’t leave too big scars. Since Peter didn’t get to mirror the lines on his left arm, they only had to clean up the horizontal lines there.   
  
Tony had broken down since he insisted on staying with them the entire time. 

But once they had taken off his shirt, to make sure there were no bruises left from Tony grabbing him mid-air from his free fall, it was impossible to get the image of Peter’s body out of his mind.   
  


Scars were methodically scattered over his torso, his arms and abdomen. 

It almost had something pleasing at how neat and calculated each cut was made. 

Tony felt bile rise up in his throat. 

The only lines, not aligning with the pattern were the fresh wounds on his arms, not only the vertical cuts on his right arm.   
The ones from his breakdown, slashing his arm without his beforehand calculated movements. 

  
He had never paid much attention as to why Peter insisted on wearing hoodies and long sleeves all the time, it was autumn and winter was approaching.   
But now, facing the pale arms that were covered in even paler scars varying from white to dark red, he would never be able to forgive himself that he never thought much of it. 

He could have done something, he could have been there for Peter, more in just the ways he had.   
  
He knew it did not work that way. He knew it way too well. 

  
So yes he had a breakdown and excused himself from the room, running down the sterile hallway. He needed air, he needed Pepper, he needed to focus on being here right now. For Peter and for himself. 

“Bruce please tell me it’s going to be alright.” He whispered after he re-entered the MedBay.  
  
Bruce’s face fell and Tony’s heart stuttered. 

“Physically he is fine. The uh wounds on his right arm are really deep, he cut through the vein into his muscle. This is going to take a little longer to heal than the uhm other wounds. He had a few bruises from where you caught him, but they are already fading, nothing eh will be left to be seen.”   
Bruce took a deep sigh.   
“Mentally though...I ran a scan of his brain. His MRI shows activity usual for severe Depression but his Hippocampus showed some unusual behaviour as well, so I guess we might deal with trauma. Maybe even PTSD but it’s always hard to tell based on MRI scans.” 

Tony nodded. He expected something along those lines after he caught his kid free falling with sliced up wrists.   
  
“We should maybe look into getting him a therapist and maybe even medication. I would have to look into that myself thou together with Helen. His metabolism won’t allow regular medication and with his blood samples and scans maybe we can just uhm create the right SSRI.” Tony nodded solemnly. 

This entire situation was way too familiar to him and he hated it. 

  
  
  


When Peter came back to consciousness he was utterly underwhelmed.   
He was alive.

Hurray. 

  
His body hurt, his eyes were fighting the bright lights and the only comfort came from a hand stroking his hair. When his eyes had finally adjusted to the surroundings, he was face to face with his father’s eyes.   
  
Brown meets brown.   
  
“Hey Tony.” 

He whispered.

His throat felt dried up and he realized that his lips were chapped. 

Dehydration. 

Joy. 

Tony’s eyes were filled with worry and Peter could have mistaken it for fatherly love but he didn't want to kid himself. 

After all, he was sure Tony only took him in out of pity - despite anything the billionaire said. 

“Hey, Petey.” 

He said equally silent. Peter wanted to ask for water, but he lost himself in the worried eyes of Tony, trying to convince himself that the man actually cared. A selfish part of him craved someone who cared about him. Just someone.

The billionaire was so quiet, so careful.   
It scared Peter. He was scared to hope.   
  
“Hey can I-” he cleared his throat” have some water, please?” 

Tony stood and grabbed a bottle from the nightstand.   
“Here you go kid.” 

It was silent for a moment, Tony sitting with his left leg crossed over the right one, just watching the teenager chunk some water. 

Peter knew once he would set down the bottle he would have to answer questions.   
And if he was to answer them, they would lock him up, trying to convince him that he was not better of dead. 

So once he sat the bottle down, he was prepared. 

He had mentally prepared himself to just lie straight to the one person who always trusted him. 

He had to protect Tony from Peter. 

Because even though Peter was convinced the older one did not care about him, Peter cared deeply for his adopted father.   
  


“You know, growing up, my life was pretty shit. Until I left for college, then I got into alcohol, sex and eventually drugs. But then my life was shit again. Because that’s how your brain works when it doesn’t work.” Tony started. Peter was more than startled. That is not where he expected this to go. 

But he didn’t dare to say something. Relieved that Tony got the focus off of him. 

“So when nothing would get me to feel anything anymore I got into more... extreme things.” With these words, Tony stood up and took off his jacket. 

Suddenly Peter realized he barely, if ever, had seen the man without long sleeves. The sterile room and the constant beeping of a heart monitor where the only background noise and even this seemed to faint when Peter was faced with Tony’s bare arms. 

  
“Mine are admittedly not as neat as yours, but to be fair I was usually pretty high when I turned to it.” 

Peter was shocked. 

Seeing his father’s arms covered in faint scars gutted him. 

When his eyes started to trail down the tan arms, covered with slightly pale lines, he suddenly stopped dead in his track.   
“Yeah, one night I was really really over it.” Tony chuckled nervously. Tony Stark was nervous. Peter could hear the man’s heartbeat a hundred miles per hour. 

“My parents just died. I couldn’t cope. Was kinda convinced it was my fault. That my bad luck jumped over on them. So I tried to uh end it. Didn’t want anyone else to get hurt because I was in this world. What an irony when I was about to take over a weapons- you know what doesn’t matter.” Peter was at loss for words.

  
Tony’s scars were so similar to his. Long, vertical lines, three on the right wrist, but where Tony’s left arm was covered with one additional line, Peter’s arm was empty. 

“You- you tried it too?” Peter whispered after a little while. 

He just couldn’t imagine a world without Tony Stark, a world without Iron Man. 

“Yeah...I don’t know how my partner back then found me bleeding out in the back of a shitty party but I am to this day grateful he did.” 

Peter’s face fell. Of course Tony would be grateful that someone found him. He wouldn’t understand the pain and the craving for death Peter was in that very second.   
But Tony immediately picked up on that. 

  
“But at that time? I was furious, so mad at that person, so mad at me. I wanted to be dead. So, so dearly.” Tony kindly reached out for Peter’s hand and Peter broke down.   
He sobbed, loud and ugly and his breath came quick and harsh. 

  
“I can’t take this anymore Tony, I am sorry, but I am so exhausted, everything hurts Dad, please, please let me go.” 

Whereas Tony’s heart fluttered at Peter saying ‘Dad’, it broke into pieces. He wished so badly that he could take his kid’s pain away. 

“I know bambino, I know.” At the soft Italian word a new, brutal sob ragged through Peter’s body.  
He wanted May. 

His fierce, Italian aunt who would curse out words in her mother tongue, tugging him in as a child and kissing his forehead to keep the bad dreams away. 

Why couldn’t he just go to her? 

  
“I miss her so much Dad. So much. She took my soul with her, my last brain cell I don't know how to call it, but it’s gone. I can’t do this anymore dad.”  
He cried and Tony found himself spooning his kid in his hospital bed.   
“I know bambino.”


	5. I get so weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is angry. Or is he hurt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little contextualization and also rather rushed than anything. I wanted to talk about the day after a little bit, but I am not very confident about it all my people. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it anyway.

After the events of what was deemed “The Endgame” amongst the heroes involved in the epic battle, many of them turned back to how they had known life.    
It was harder for those who blipped, despite them feeling no change to their lives apart from 5 missed years. But that was the problem. Everything had gone on without them. 

When Carol Danvers took the Gauntlet from Peter on the battlefield and used it to snap Thanos and his lackeys away, she turned into a god-like being. Since she absorbed the powers of the stones, just like she did with the tesseract.

And after the dust of the battle faded, Stephen told Tony that he did not see this version working out. That he only saw a version were Tony died using the gauntlet himself. 

While Tony was weirdly proud of himself for being stubborn enough to do this, the relief of being alive was more prominent than ever.    
  
For Tony this meant he would get to see Morgan again, to see Peter and May again.

Get to see them grow up and have this little, lovely family of friends. 

Maybe even some of the Avengers would join them. 

Tony was happy. Truly and without lingering regrets happy.    
  


And yet it didn’t take half a year for it all to fall apart.    
  
May was dead, 

Peter wanted to be.

And Morgan? 

She adored Peter but it got to her that her ‘big brother’ was distant and she started acting out.    
  
Tony was at loss for solutions. A situation he did not like. At all. 

  
  


  
“Petey you have some mountains in your skin!” 

  
Peter awoke from another rather bad dream to Morgan Stark admiring his arms. 

His first reaction was to flinch away, hide his arms and be ashamed, unbeknownst that Morgan really liked his skin mountains. 

  
“That is sooo cool! I have no skin mountains but Daddy has some and Mommy said you get those only when you fight a lot of bad battles.” She told him, excited. 

Peter found himself almost turning his lips into a smile. 

  
“Uh yeah, they are...for some people ah a sign that they won. Not for all thou.” 

Morgan frowned.    
“But why? Daddy said that only winners get mountains! Daddy doesn’t lie. He only uses Mommy’s word sometimes.” She giggled the last part and obviously expected Peter to react the same.    
But Peter had to concentrate all his willpower to just not cry or break down in front of the five-year-old. 

  
He was not a winner. How could he be a winner when everything he wanted to be was a loser? At least in this situation.    
  
Before Morgan could torment him even further with her childlike innocence, Tony stormed into the sterile room. 

“Morguna you can’t just come in here and wake up Peter!” 

Peter was astonished as to how collected and fun Tony stayed despite being visibly shaken. He wondered what would rattle Tony to this extent.    
“But daddyyy! I wanted to see after Peter and then I saw he had skin mountains just like you and he wanted to tell me that not everyone with skin mountains has won but you said only winners could get skin mountains!” 

She huffed, angry at whoever of them was lying to her.    
Tony’s gaze softened.    
“Morguna, some warriors don’t even know they are at war. They are winning, they just don’t know it yet. Don’t be mad at Peter.”

  
She seemed to gave it a thought and then nodded. “Okay. I will go and look for Mommy, bye Daddy, bye Petey!”   
  


After she ran out of the smoothly opening door, Tony turned to Peter, an apology in his face.    
“She was not allowed to come here, she must have overridden FRIDAY again.”    
It almost made Peter smile, that the girl who was kind of his little sister was smart enough to steal and overhear the codes necessary to override FRIDAY. 

  
Almost.

But he did not want to waste time with his adopted father. Because he knew the past hours were stolen time. And Morgan’s and Tony’s interaction just confirmed his fears.    
They wanted him to get better, they wanted him to ‘win’.    
But he could not win.    
He did not want to 

He must not win. 

“Tony I am not a warrior and I am not winning. I get that you told her this to calm her but don’t expect me to believe it too.” Peter was surprised at the steadiness and confidence in his voice. A part of him hated how he defended his self-destruction. 

Tony sighed. “I know Underoos.” Peter could see how the older one was trying to figure something out. He had seen this expression countless times when they worked in the workshop together.    
And it annoyed him beyond reason, anger boiling up in the pit of his stomach.    
“I am not a car to be fixed, Tony. Please don’t look at me like one.” The teenager snapped. 

Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes.    
“I know Pete. A car would be easier.” 

He smiled, still trying to take the tension out of their conversation.    
“I thought what I told you last night helped you understand that I understand.”

  
Peter sighed. 

“Kinda? I...I honestly don’t know what to do. Because I understand you. I really do. It’s just that I can’t lose you again.”   
Tony looked like he held back a sob.   
“Would it be easier for you? Probably. But you would never get to experience things that make life worth living again. For us? It would be hell. Despite anything your brain is trying to tell you-”   
“And it is right!” Peter snapped.   
He was angry. Maybe he was scared and hurt, but it felt like boiling anger. 

  
“Everywhere I go, the people I care about die! You know my track record and honestly, I am not worth this. These so-called things that make life worth living? What are they compared to many people experiencing things worth living for hm? May had things worth living for too and now she is gone because wherever I go, I bring Death.”    
Peter was sitting up straight in his hospital bed, his gaze burning into Tony’s, daring him to talk back. 

  
The genius sighed. “I know kid. I know you think-”   
“I KNOW IT! My entire life is proof okay! This is science!” He jumped out of the bed, his anger shaking him.   
But before they could dive into a heated argument, Tony just came up to him and hugged him tightly.

It was this moment, that Peter broke for the second time in 12 hours. 

“I don’t want to lose you,Tony, I can’t let the world lose you or let Morgan or Pepper lose you. I can’t do this to you. Please, please let me go, it is better for you, please.”    
Through Peter’s heart-wrenching sobs and pleads, he could hear his father sniffle.    
  
“Peter this is your neurons being wired up wrong making you believe the biggest lie. 

My life? Without you? 

I could never be truly happy. I had a taste of this kid. 

Five years without you, I married, I had a baby together with the love of my life and yet wherever I went, there was your face. 

In an old circuit board or my lab. In the water, I could always only see the visuals from when I grabbed you after the Vulture dropped you in the Hudson. 

Five years that made me invent time travel just for the chance to see you one more time.”    
  
Peter’s sobs became erratic again. “You did that...for me?” He almost screamed, he wanted to tell Tony how dumb he was, how much he risked.    
But he couldn’t.    
  
Because for a few seconds, it felt like Tony Stark really, deeply cared for him. 

And he did not doubt it in the back of his mind for the first time. 

“Let’s make a deal okay? Bruce and Helen are working on synthesizing a medication for you. It might take some time, but please Peter, please stay. Stay a little longer, let us try to help. We are your family Pete.” 

  
  


“Okay.”


	6. A love that's so demanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter: Harley Keener

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you are having a good time, I am terribly tired from being on the bus for about 13h. Got laughed at because I didn't take a plane to London but a bus for environmental reasons lol.

“I don’t know what to do Tony. Please help me.”    
It was certainly uncharacteristic for Harley Keener to ask for something as polite and friendly as he did. 

“Harley come here. Honestly, I don’t mind, but that is up to you because right now this place is a mess. If you want to get emotional stability, you won’t find it here.”   
Tony chuckled a little at the other end of the line.   
“I don’t mind. I just...I just can’t stay here. My mom sometimes starts screaming when she sees me because she thinks I am a ghost.   
And my sister? She starts crying every time she comes to visit. I can’t...they look at me like I am still gone.” 

  
A short moment of silence was finally followed by a heavy sigh. 

  
“I will have someone pick you up.”   
“No don’t bother, I take my bike.” Stunned silence.   
“You want to ride a bike up here?! With all your stuff?!”   
Harley snorted.   
“It’s the only thing Momma and my sister kept from me after I blipped. They donated everything else. So yeah.”   
“Okay but...please be careful Harley. You still have your watch right?”   
“Oh you mean the super inconspicuous tracker?” The boy chuckled.   
“Yeah, I do. Keep your old eyes on me.”   
He hung up before Tony could retort anything and let out a heavy sigh.   
He would get out.   
  
“Mom?”   
She looked up and for a second Harley could see her eyes widen.   
“H-ey Harley! Everything okay sweetheart?”   
He took a deep breath.   
“We need to talk Mom.” She frowned and signalled him to sit down next to her.   
“I talked to Tony. And...I know how it stresses you out that I am here. You and Abbie moved on and that is okay!”   
She raised her hand to stop him.   
“Harley, this is our fault. It’s not your fault you are not dead!”   
She tried to smile, but in combination with her words, it seemed rather grotesque than lovely. 

“Thanks? Uh anyway. You still scream sometimes when you see me and you look at me like I am a ghost. Which is fair, because five years is a shit ton of time to be convinced that someone is dead.”   
His mom’s eyes had a stern look when he cursed, but it did not bother him right now.   
“You guys deserve a certain peace to get used to this. And I think it would be best for you, Abbie and for me that maybe I stayed in New York for a while. We can call and facetime and you can slowly get used to the idea that I am not dead?”    
His mom took a moment to think about it.   
Her face glazed with a deep frown, her eyes tired from time and the wrinkles around her eyes begging for a break.    
‘You did this to her.’ 

“I am...so sorry Harley. So sorry. I can’t imagine how this is. One day to vanish and then to come back to your mom being this...weird person.”   
“Mom you have always been weird, don’t blame this on the Blip.”   
They both shared a short smile.

“But...but I think this is really a good idea.” 

  
  
  


Tony took a deep breath and entered Peter’s room.   
Tonight would be the first night they would let him sleep in his own bed again.

Needless to say, they had searched his entire room for sharp objects and got rid of them.    
Apparently there were no more razor blades or anything he could have properly used to cut himself.    
It made Tony shiver when he thought about how precisely Peter had planned his self-harm.    
The neat and precise cuts were the first indicator, but he did not expect him to go this far.    
  
“How are you holding up kiddo?” Tony smiled at him and Peter at least tried to lift the left corner of his lips.    
“Okay, I guess. Still feel a bit dizzy from the meds.” He admitted. 

Tony sat down on the bed and Peter turned the chair he was sitting on around to talk to his father.   
“Had been quite a crazy week huh?” Peter almost laughed and it scarred him how easily he was able to show emotions since he started the medication from Cho and Bruce.   
“Yeah sorry. Next time I will try to be less spontaneous when I commit suicide.”   
Tony threw him a warning glare.   
“There won’t be a next time.”   
Peter had to hold back a scoff and only shrugged. 

“Uhm you remember Harley right?” Peter was a little taken aback from the change of topic but didn’t mind.   
At least the focus was not on him and his suicide attempt. 

“Yeah? He was here earlier this year, right? For that family after blip thing?” 

Tony nodded. “Seems uh he has trouble at home and he will stay at the tower for a while.” 

Tony looked like he was really uncertain as to how Peter would react. 

And to be honest, Peter neither knew how he should react.    
Especially now that his emotions were confused and overwhelming. 

“Okay I guess? He seemed cool.”   
Tony nodded.   
“Yeah, I am honestly a little worried because you two could easily destroy my life.” He chuckled, again trying to lighten up the tension. Peter wondered if this came with being a dad. 

What Peter did not expect was that a few days later a tall boy, with dirty blond hair, freckles and a motorbike helmet in his hand and wearing a leather jacket would walk down the hallways of the tower.    
He could have sworn that his heart stopped for a second when he saw this unholy beautiful guy and obviously ran away and hid in his room.    
  
But that tactic did not really work out when mere minutes later his door swiped open, Tony and this boy entered. 

“Peter! You remember Harley!” Peter prayed that his face wasn’t as red as it felt and he put on his best attempt to look confident. Harley smiled and Peter melted. 

  
Fuck.    
  
“Hey Peter nice to see you again.”    
Of course he had to have an accent.    
Of fucking course.    
  
“H-hi.” He grabbed the outreached hand of the southern boy. 

“Wow how did this get so awkward boys?” Tony chuckled. 

  
Both Peter and Harley threw him a deadpan glare. 

  
“Tony you just ruined the moment!” Harley didn’t seem to be really bothered by it, but Peter was completely caught off guard.    
“I really would like to continue this awkward silence, but I just wanted to show Harley where he can find you.”   
Tony returned back to his almost overbearing mother mode.    
Peter only nodded and he didn’t need to look up to know that Tony was taken aback by Peter’s behaviour.   
He couldn’t blame him. Last time he was as short in response as now he tried to kill himself.    
  
After both men left Peter’s room a tension, he didn’t know was there, left and he unclenched his hands. Thou it felt due to the lack of electric tension running through his body he might break down. 

  
Why did he think Harley was cute, why did he even give into that?    
Like if everything went according to plan, he would be dead by the end of the year.    
And he was not naive enough to believe that someone else could just come into your life and make it better. 

His arms itched. He had been clean for almost a week.   
Rather involuntary thou. 

FRIDAY was on watch out for him and leaving the tower was not an option at the moment.    
Tony wanted him to be as stable as possible before he would let him go to school again, let alone got out without any reason.    
  
Peter hated that a part of him itched to fall back into this deadly, calculated pattern. But he also hated that he had hope. It was a tiny little bit of hope, but it was there.    
  
Because Tony cared.    
And maybe Harley would too. 


	7. I can't speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley's first night at the tower is WILD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I hope you are doing good and drink enough water. I am enjoying London and the Uni I want to attend is even more amazing than I thought. 
> 
> I was kinda sad that nobody commented on the last chapter, because I am really excited to have Harley in this.
> 
> Lots of love, rae

The first night of Harley living at Avengers Tower was wild. To say the least.

After the Starks and Harley gathered for dinner, Morgan was not too happy to see that Peter was still too silent for her liking.   
And she definitely was not afraid to voice her annoyance.

  
“Why is Petey still so silent? I thought people get happy after their skin mountains!” She exclaimed accusingly pointing at the brunette sitting across from her.   
  
Peter visibly flinched at the mention of his ‘skin mountains’ and quickly glanced at Harley, kind of expecting him to be disgusted by the boy.   
But Harley was too confused and by far not familiar enough with everyone involved to have an opinion on ‘Skin Mountains’.

  
Pepper sighed and exchanged a quick glance with her husband.

“Honey not everyone with skin mountains works the same. Give Peter some time to adjust, would you please?” She tried to smile, but right after her sentence had ended, Peter just stood up and bursted out of the room.

It was obvious to Harley that Tony was fighting an inner battle. Should he follow the boy or just give him freedom.   
“FRIDAY keep an eye on him please?” “Of course boss.”   
Tony sighed and tears seemed to gather in Morgan’s big brown eyes.

  
Harley just couldn’t hold back his big brother reflexes. Sad little girl. Must protect.

“Hey Morgan, you want to sit next to me? I can tell you about pushing cows, did you know that if you manage to push them on the side, the cow fairies come and grant you a wish?”   
In less than a second she was sitting next to him and her formerly sad eyes were filled with curiosity. “Really?!” Harley nodded solemnly. “Yes, they protect the cows every night, but if you manage to get past them, they are so impressed by your skill that they grant you wishes.”   
Morgan’s eyes were full of childish mischief. “Daddy I want a cow.”   
Tony and Pepper who looked at the scenario with a mixture of wonder, amusement and shock continued to explain to her why they couldn’t get a cow in Midtown Manhattan.

When they finally all calmed down, and agreed that a plush cow would do just fine, Tony shot Harley a look of eternal gratitude.   
But in reality it was Harley who felt overwhelmed with happiness. 

He got to be a big brother again, the one thing he was proud of. And he would be damned if Morgan wouldn’t grow up with him by her side.

In another part of the tower, Peter Parker-Stark was nestling with a part of the security system he should most definitely have no access to. But he needed to fix this.   
He needed to get around FRIDAY’s hovering view so he could cut, he needed to cut, it was like he couldn’t breathe and his arms were screaming for blood, for neat lines to make up for the mess he made at his failed attempt. 

Morgan’s comment and Pepper’s answer just set him off.   
He got that they were telling her the whole skin mountain thing because you can’t just tell your five-year-old daughter ‘Hey your dad used to hurt himself when he was high on drugs and then he tried to kill himself’   
Peter really understood, but it still killed him. Because ‘skin mountains’ sounded cute and soft.   
This was not cute and soft. 

The way Peter was trying desperately to hack FRIDAY, to go behind his mentor’s back just to slice his skin?   
How he felt guilty for betraying someone who trusted him to get better?   
  
That was not cute, it was horrifying.   
Peter was horrified of what he was willing to do for his addiction.   
  
“Protocol 1104 ‘Eight Eyes on the Eight Legs’ has been disabled.” FRIDAY announced and if Peter didn’t feel emotionally dead, he would have cried out of relief.   
  
Instead, he just cleaned up the electronic mess he made and left for his room.   
“FRIDAY lock the door.” He demanded.

  
It was a test to see if he truly had been successful. Because if that Protocol was still active, he would not be able to lock his door.

“Door 582 has been locked.” FRIDAY announced and finally, Peter smiled.   
It was not a beautiful smile, rather a sinister one, but then again the closest he had gotten to smile in a long time. 

Without further thought, Peter jumped to his backpack. It almost made him feel bad how naive Tony was, thinking that razor blades from shavers were the only things to use.  
  
Almost.   
  
After he finally broke the razor free from his pencil sharpener he just couldn’t wait. Pushing the plastic pieces aside he licked his lips and started his work.  
He just placed a cut above his elbow, a fine line that did not seem like much, so he went over it again and again and again until the first beads of blood came up. 

  
He definitely should have washed or disinfected the blade, but he just could not hold it back. And what was the worst that could happen? Him dying from an infection? Sounded rather appealing.  
His stomach was jumping with joy, his heart was racing but his breath came steady and for the first time in days he felt like he could actually breathe. 

  
The suffocating gaze of Tony, the curious looks of Morgan and the concerned frowns of Pepper just made it impossible for him to breath. 

  
And finally, he cried and broke down.

  
After he added two more bleeding lines to his arm he cried for himself. Pitying his own existence.

  
Why couldn’t he just die? Why wouldn’t they let him go?   
He knew how mental illnesses worked, but if they let May die as a result of a physical illness, why wouldn’t they let him die from the result of mental illness.   
  
It didn’t make sense to keep someone alive who can’t be saved by medicine.   
  
And yes he had hope when Cho showed him his medication. 

It looked promising.   
So promising. 

  
If only it would work. 

  
Everything had been worse.   
His already dialled up senses were even more sensitive, he couldn’t sleep and he would start shaking every now and then without reason.   
  
He knew he was acting irrational but he couldn’t stop himself and he _ just wanted it all to end. _   
  


Before he could spiral into another panic attack he heard someone knocking on the door.   
As fast as he was able to manage he threw his blade back in his backpack and pulled down his long sleeves. He hoped the cuts wouldn’t bleed through the fabric. 

“Hey Pete could you enlighten me how you managed to lock your door?” Tony asked from the other side of the wall. His voice as worried as it was curious.

  
“I asked FRIDAY nicely.” He could hear Tony’s scepticism through the silence.   
“Can I please come in squirt?” The sincerity of question in Tony’s voice confused Peter. After all the engineer could just override anything.

Peter contemplated for a moment if he should allow it. He wanted to see whether or not Tony would listen.

But he decided it would be better to get over with the confrontation.   
“Yeah come in.”

  
The doors slid open.   
Tony had a big bowl with food in his hand and tried to smile at Peter.   
It made Peter sick to see how desperate his hero tried to comfort him. 

“Hi.” Was the only thing Peter said after Tony seemed to be at loss for words. ‘See what you are doing to him?! You monster.’

“I saved some food for you. Little Spider-Baby needs to keep his metabolism satisfied, right?” Again that forced excuse of a smile.   
Where did Tony’s oh so perfect press conference smile go?   
“Uh thanks.” Peter took the bowl and waited for Tony to either announce that he was leaving or to continue this awkward excuse of a conversation.   
  
“I know you hacked FRIDAY kid.” Peter’s heart dropped. “Got the notification right away. You did a great job, you really did deactivate the protocol.” Peter’s heart was racing. “And...you know the protocol is installed for a reason. I really want to trust you that you are not doing anything dumb. So I am reinstalling the protocol and will definitely make it harder to hack. But good job kid.” This time his smile was a little more genuine yet far away.   
Peter only nodded as Tony turned away.   
  
Peter had expected Tony to search him, to show him his arms or whatever, but he did not.   
And that confused Peter.   
Tony knew in what kind of situation Peter was in. He had been there himself.   
  


Maybe that was why the hero let it slide. 

  
  



	8. I am n̵o̵t̵ afraid to keep on living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley Keener was fucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! I am back from London and hopefully, that means better scheduled updates!   
I changed some things in the last chapter, made it a little easier and more fluent to read, I hope you like it!   
Also have fun with the new chapter and thanks to everyone who commented!   
xo

Harley was intrigued.

Peter was cute, smart and had Harley’s heart beat faster.   
He was most definitely developing a crush on the curly-haired boy with sad eyes. Even though Harley tried to cajole himself into believing that this was not the case. He couldn't fall for his father figures adopted kid.   
Especially when he barely knew a thing about Peter.

He knew curiosity killed the cat and whatnot but he really tried to be considerate and inconspicuous.

“So you have an impressive sweater collection!” 

Peter’s eyes snapped from the old computer drive that he was taking apart up until that very moment and the southern boy.   
“Uhm thanks?” 

Harley wanted to hit himself in the face.   
Way to go Keener. 

  
“I mean you always wear one and it is usually a new one and it is so cool because they are really cute on you but I mean not that you are not cute without a sweater I mean I can’t tell because I have never seen you without a sweater, okay I shut up now.” 

But before Harley could start hating himself, Peter spoke up.   
“You think I am cute?” Harley groaned.   
“Yeah I mean. Ugh I hate this.”   
Now Peter’s deep red face was also graced with a frown and Harley wanted to die on that very spot he was occupying.   
How could someone be so adorable?!

“You hate…that I am cute?” Peter mumbled, confusion thick in his voice.   
“NO! I mean…I hate that you being cute makes me feel things. Doesn’t work well with my depressed bad boy aesthetic.”   
And for the first time since Harley arrived at the tower, he heard Peter laugh. 

It didn’t sound truly genuine but also not too fake.

“Don’t worry Mr Bad Boy, your aesthetic is not destroyed. I mean it wasn’t there to begin with.” 

Harley gaped at him.   
“You are sassy. Wow.”   
Peter shrugged and grabbed a different screwdriver.   
“Just because my depressed introvert aesthetic is so overbearing doesn’t mean my sassy queer aesthetic is dead.” 

Harley perked up at that, Peter just went back to tinker with the computer drive.   
  
“Isn’t depressed queer by now it’s own aesthetic?” Harley wondered out loud.   
Again Peter just shrugged.   
“Don’t know, am not really into the whole community. It’s not much of a thing anyway.”   
Harley snorted nervously.   
“Yeah maybe in New York. Try being gay in Tennessee. Then it is a big thing.”   
Finally, Peter looked up again and Harley wondered what that sparkle of hope on his face meant.   
“I mean even in 2023?” Harley had to frown because he genuinely didn't know.   
“Don’t know. Didn’t do anything since I came back. Was too busy being depressed.” Peter rolled his eyes and went back to work on the drive.  
  
“Being depressed is not a personality trait.”  
  
Harley wanted to answer that he knew that but before he had a chance to, Peter jumped up and threw the drive in a corner of the lab. It landed with a crash and Dum-E whirled around to wonder what the noise was.   
Instead of cleaning up the mess Peter just ran out of the lab. 

Peter knew he was overreacting.   
He really did.   
But there was no rationality left in him. These stupid meds took everything away from him.   
If this feeling of being ripped apart, of being constantly on edge and yet unable to think was ‘better’ then he yearned for death more than before.   
He knew that cutting was not an option.   
Not after Tony let it slip just yesterday.  
And he knew even more that he couldn’t just try to end it again.   
Not if everyone was on his heels.  
  
Peter was trapped in his life, trapped in his medication, trapped.

  
He was a spider under a paper cup, waiting to be thrown away or killed.   
Never expecting to be treated well. 

Once he arrived at his room, he closed the door.   
Dearly wishing he could lock it, and yet he was painfully aware that this was not an option.   
So he just threw himself on his bed and took a shaky breath.   
Breathing didn’t feel real.   
  
To be fair nothing really did. 

He curled himself in a ball and tried to focus on his shaky inhales.   
Everything seemed to float away.   
His breathing felt less real with every inhale and while Peter knew that this should alarm him, he was relaxed.   
He was somewhere else anyway.   
His eyes were unfocused and only a tiny part of his consciousness was in the room so far above New York.   
And for the first time in forever, he could relax.   
  
Peter didn’t realise that hours passed, that he if he wanted, wasn’t able to move or speak.   
He was laying on his bed, blinking and breathing.   
And after five hours of no sign that he would change this FRIDAY alarmed Tony.   
  
“Boss it appears Peter has not moved in over five hours despite being awake. He does not react when spoken to and seems to be in a dissociative state.   
Tony thanked himself for being smart enough to have symptom checker installed into FRIDAY after Peter’s attempt.  
“What would you recommend to do honey?”   
“It would be best to try and get him out of this dissociative state. Especially since Peter has not eaten since his breakfast this morning. It is more than advised that he consumes approximately 2000 calories soon.”   
Tony knew he was up his own ass, but how couldn’t he when he got to code an AI this smart? 

“Thanks, baby girl.” He got up and rushed to Peter’s room.   
“FRIDAY what is an advised technique to get Peter out of this state?”   
“It is recommended to stimulate the person directly, for example through laughing, touching, talking or pain.” Tony flinched. 

“Thanks.” He rather mumbled under his breath while he kept rushing.   
When he finally arrived the door opened and he saw Peter curled up on his bed. At first, it seemed like he was asleep if it wasn’t for his eyes slowly closing and opening in a seemingly steady rhythm.   
Tony took a deep breath. _‘Don’t get a panic attack this is not your place’_ Yet the engineer couldn’t help but take a few shaky breathes. 

He needed to be okay for Peter.   
  
While Tony was trying his best to get Peter back in his body, Harley was still in the lab.   
He had cleaned up Peter’s mess and petted Dum-E who seemed to be shocked by Peter’s outburst.   
  
But to be fair Harley was too.   
  
The timid and silent boy had reacted oh so violent to Harley’s seemingly harmless banter.   
‘_Way to go Keener. Your flirting is so good that your crush ran away in anger. Wait. Crush?!’_   
  
Oh Harley was fucked. 


	9. I am n̵o̵t̵ afraid to walk this world alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Tony have a very not successful talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you all!   
Two things:  
1st I made a playlist for writing and maybe you guys want to check it out! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2LosiVbl2p1kZPR0EipOSX
> 
> 2nd Do you guys have any wishes for certain things to happen during the span of this fic? I have it pretty much planned out but would love to offer you guys a voice! 
> 
> Lots of love and stay safe xo

Peter wanted to use his last power to jump out of the window. He was so exhausted. Dissociation had got all of his energy and he felt like he could fall into a coma. God he wished he would fall into a coma.   
Like May. 

And not wake up again.  
Like May. 

His heart clenched painfully.   
“Peter can you try and tell me why this happened?” Peter didn’t bother to look at Tony, gaze still far away and just shrugged. 

Tony sighed and stood up from the corner of Peter’s bed he had been sitting on. One of his hands ran through his hair and he raised his eyebrows, racking his mind for solutions. 

  
“You have been taking your medication right? It will help you soon, I promise.” Peter scoffed and he felt bile rise up at the thought of the repulsive pills actually doing him good. 

“Yeah sure as if they weren’t the reason all this went to shit.” Tony once again held himself back from scolding the kid’s language, trying to offer a soft smile. Because he wanted to comfort Peter.   
Because all Tony had craved was someone to comfort him. 

“What do you mean?” And again Peter just shrugged instead of offering an actually useful answer.   
Tony wanted to scream, he just wanted to help his kid but Peter was so stubborn - wait was that how Pepper felt?! Once again Tony wondered why she had married him. 

“Peter please. We need to figure out if this works or not.” Peter just rolled his eyes and turned away from Tony.He knew Tony was right. But there was this unreasonable anger in him boiling, forcing him to spit it out in form of being a sarcastic asshole. “Yeah if it isn’t working, then what? Do we try another medication? And if that doesn’t work we try another and another and another?! Until I am just a walking laboratory.” Peter was fuming and Tony at loss for words. He was never a laconic speaker. Usually did not need to be. But right there he wished he could just find the right words. 

“I don’t want this Tony. You know that. I don’t want any of this, I just want it to be over.” Peter was angry, but he slumped down on his bed. All energy leaving his already exhausted body with his confession that wasn’t bearing any news to either of the men. 

And Tony was afraid. Because he saw himself. 

“Peter you can get better and happy and healthy. I promise. I really do kid.Are your meds right now the problem?” Tony needed to know how to help his kid, he just needed an answer. 

Why wouldn’t Peter give him an answer?!

“How the hell do you know that? May died from the results of a problem with her brain. How am I different from that? I am just as hopeless as her but I am not kidding myself or the people around me.” 

Okay yes, Peter was very angry.   
“I have been there Peter, I am serious. I was probably even deeper in this shit because wanting to die while you are dealing with an addiction to self-harm and drugs? Yes, the easy option is dying-“ 

“THE EASY OPTION? Are you calling me a coward for not wanting to suffer anymore?” Peter jumped up, anger burning in his eyes. 

“No! I am saying that getting help, getting better is even harder.” Peter laughed a cold and dry laugh. 

“You really know how to sell the fantasy Tony.” 

It was silent for a long moment. Tony didn’t want to trigger another angry outburst, Peter needed to calm down. 

“Can you please leave?” Peter suddenly asked into the silence. 

  
Those few words hit Tony like a punch in the gut. He just wanted to help Peter.   
“Peter let’s talk ok, we need to-“ “_WE_ DON’T NEED SHIT OKAY TONY?! I JUST WANT MY PEACE.”   
Without wanting to make an even bigger scene Tony left wordlessly and against his better judgment. 

He went to look for his wife. Trying to not lose his grip on reality.   


“Pepper?” He merely whispered.   
What a pitiful sight. 

The powerful Tony Stark, surviving torture and wars. Yet nothing could be compared to seeing the people you care about yearning for death. 

“Mrs Potts is currently playing with Ms Morgan in the living room.” “Thank you FRIDAY.” He just needed a time out from Peter.   
He loved the kid with all his heart, hell Peter was his son, but it made Tony wonder.   
How well was HE over his unhealthy coping mechanisms?   
He knew that he was far away from mentally healthy.   
How the hell should he teach and show Peter that it would get better when Tony couldn’t even serve as an example?

Why did he always have to be such a hypocrite?   
  


Peter’s voracious thoughts were consuming him. Why did he always need to lash out on Tony?!   
He was not an aggressive person and yet over the course of the past days he had shown more violent behaviour than some of the muggers he had dealt with. Or at least he felt this way.   
He didn't deserve Tony’s patience. 

He knew that. 

But then again he felt like he didn’t deserve any of the good things in his life.   
Maybe if he kept pushing them away they would finally see the monster he was and let him die.

Why couldn’t he just want to get better?!  


“I…I think the meds make me go even less rational than I usually already am.” Peter quietly admitted out loud after a few moments of thoughts consuming him. 

Nobody was there to hear him and he dearly wanted to cry or scream or just sleep. 

But again he just laid in his room, on this way too comfortable and big bed.   
Not that he missed his old, thin and spine destroying mattress from May’s and his’ apartment.   
But he missed the time when this was his biggest problem. 

He missed May.

He missed his soul.

He was so afraid to be alone.   
Yet it was all he wanted so it would be easier for everyone.

He hated being torn.

“Tony I know you want to help him, I want it, too. But you cannot risk your own mental safety.” Tony's unfocused gaze focussed in on Pepper as she spoke these words. 

“I am safe honey, I promise!" Pepper raised one of her eyebrows like she always did when she didn't believe his bullshit. 

“Maybe I should talk to him for once. Go play with Morgan and Harley okay? You deserve a break and I don’t want Harley to secretly buy a cow for Morgan.” 

“I miss Gerald.” Pepper just rolled her eyes as she kissed her husband quickly on the lips, offering him some safety. 

And then she walked off heading to Peter’s room.

Her boys were not hopeless. 

They just needed a map out of their own heads and/or asses. 


	10. Honey, if you stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper and Peter talk.  
Harley is intimidated by MJ.  
Harley eavesdrop something he shouldn't.

Pepper slightly knocked on Peter’s door. For a way too long moment it was silent. “Yes?” A small voice answered and it stung in Pepper’s heart. Her motherly love for Peter had bloomed after he moved in. She just wanted him to be happy and healthy, but until now she knew that Peter was more comfortable with Tony.   
But after all they were both idiots.   
  
“Hey Peter.” She smiled fondly at him, while he was sitting up. “Pepper? What is wrong did something happen?” A look of panic flashed over Peter’s face. Pepper sat down next to him on his bed. “No don’t worry Pete. I just wanted to talk to you.” Peter groaned. “Tony already did. Wasn’t fun.” Pepper couldn’t help but smile a little at how annoyed the kid was.   
He was so similar to Tony, it did not surprise her that they both clashed heads every once in a while.

“I know sweetie. But Tony is not always very...good at handling emotions. Not his own and for sure not the emotions of others. I does surprise me how well he has dealt with you so far. The only other person he is that good with is Morgan.”   
Peter huffed.   
“I am not his child Pepper. No matter how much everyone involved wished it was true.”   
Pepper raised her eyebrow.   
“That’s where you are wrong Peter. You are his child. Far before he adopted you. And you know that is the truth.”   
  
Peter shrugged and Pepper wanted to hug him so bad and take all the pain away.   
But she couldn’t.   
It was not her place.   
  
“I don’t know anything about the truth. People say and promise things that turn into lies all the time. ‘It’s nothing bad’ ‘You will be okay’ ‘The medication will be so good for you’.”   
Pepper perked up on that.   
“So your medication isn’t doing its job.”   
She didn’t ask and instead of acting up as he did with Tony Peter only nodded.

Defeated.

He couldn’t let his anger out on Pepper.   
  
“I thought….I hoped it would really get better. And I was so dumb for letting myself hope. Like honestly ever since I started taking the meds everything got worse. I am always dizzy, always shaking and I think...I think they make me even more suicidal.”   
After the last sentence, he finally looked up from his lap.   
“Pepper I really want to get better. But...it doesn’t feel like it will ever be worth it to try. That I am not worth it. I keep lashing out and I am not even an aggressive person but I just get so angry and then I am combusting again and it is all too much happening.”   
  
She didn’t stop his ranter, only pulled him in that final, relieving hug.   
  
“Peter listen to me, you will get better. We can for now stop the medication and see what happens.”   
He sniffled.   
“Don’t want to be a lab experiment.”   
She took his shoulders and looked him firmly into his teary eyes.   
“You won’t be. You will never be. When you are a little more stable I bet Cho and Bruce wouldn’t mind let you work with them together hm?” There was this tiny happy sparkle in his eyes.   
“Really?” She smiled softly and nodded.   
“Yes Peter. You are no lab experiment if it is you who works it out, right?” He nodded slowly, processing this new option. 

Pepper was proud of herself. She and Tony could do this. 

“I am Harley Keener, I moved here from Tennessee about three days ago.” It was the fifth time Harley had to say this out loud in front of a ton of people who did not care.   
“Thank you Harley, welcome to Midtown!” The teacher said enthusiastically and Harley wondered how someone could care so much about something they did not care about at all.   
“I think next to Michelle is a seat free.”   
But before Harley could even as much as look in the said direction, someone spoke up.   
“Mr Harrington that is Peter’s seat.” The person who spoke up had curly hair and Harley guessed they were female but didn’t want to assume. But she knew Peter. Could it be…?   
“Michelle I was informed by Peter’s guardian that he won’t attend the class for a while.”   
Somewhere in the back someone scoffed.   
“Penis Parker is just skipping and you all eat out of his dumb hands.” So it really was his Peter - wait did that scumbag just call Peter Penis?!   
“Flash that’s detention for this week!” Mr Harrington was by far not an authoritarian person but he got ‘Flash’ (what kind of name was that anyway?) to shut up.   
“Harley you can sit next to Michelle for now.”   
He slumped down next to her and she glared at him but started drawing at the same time - how did she even do that?! 

Harley was still not sure what to think about this school. But the topics they were talking about were actually interesting and sometimes even challenged him. Something his old school could have never done.   
But to be fair, the last time he actually went to school was five years ago.   
It still stunned him that people actually developed the fucked up school system. 

“You. Keener. Just so we are clear, as soon as Peter is back, you get yourself another seat.” Michelle was just barely smaller than Harley which was impressive to him.   
“We are talking about Peter Parker right?” “Stark. His name is Peter Parker-Stark, just because Flash doesn’t want to speak it out doesn’t mean its less of a fact.” Harley nodded.   
“Yeah I figured that douchebag wasn’t a fan of Petey.”   
She narrowed her eyes.   
“You know him. How do you know him.”   
She was scanning him with her eyes and Harley decided that Michelle was a little scary.   
“I live with him.”   
She slightly raised her eyebrows as if she was only mildly impressed.   
“Oh. Wait. Meet me after the last period in front of the school.”   
Before Harley could answer anything, she was gone.   
Yeah he would not risk attracting Michelle’s anger. 

“Keener.”   
“Jones.”   
“Leeds!” They both looked at the boy standing next to them.   
“Uh I am Ned. I am...I was? Peter’s best friend.”   
Michelle nodded.   
“Yeah the Loser hasn’t talked to us in months and now he has been missing. Like is he sick?”   
Again she narrowed her eyes, ready to scan Harley for any bullshit he might try to sell them.   
But the truth was, Harley didn’t know anything.   
“I...I don’t know? Like I said I only arrived like three days ago and I spent most of the time with Morgan. Uh and I don’t know if it is my place to tell anything I know?” He hated how timid he felt. But Michelle was intimidating for Christ’s sake. 

But she only nodded and hummed.   
“Hm fair enough. But he is alive so that is better than the worst-case scenarios I expected.”   
Ned rolled his eyes.   
“I told you Mr Stark would have told us if anything serious had happened.”   
Michelle threw him a deadpan glare. “He keeps calling you Ted.”   
Ned shrugged. “He is close enough.”   
Michelle sighed and rolled her eyes. 

“Anyway tell the Loser we miss him. And not only in school.”   
Harley nodded.   
“Oh and give me your phone.”   
Harley raised one eyebrow but still did as he was told. She quickly tipped some things and then handed it back.   
“In case you want to talk to someone who is older than five.” On his screen were two new contacts added. “MJ?” He asked.   
“Only my friends can call me MJ.” He was a little taken aback from that.   
“Wait we are friends.” She smiled. “Don’t fuck it up.” 

Peter was laying in his bed. He wished he could sleep or at least get up, but despite being fully aware of being real he just couldn’t move. In the background some dumb baking show was running. But he just couldn’t bother to do anything.  
They had stopped his medication last night and the withdrawal was thanks to his enhanced metabolism worse than anything he experienced thus far.  
‘_At least you can not hurt yourself if you can’t even get up to change channels.’_  
A surprisingly positive part of his head remarked.   
‘_Yeah but I also need to pee and eat but I am just too exhausted.’_  
‘_To exhausted to exist phew Parker you are such a loser, you-’_  
Before he could finish that rather destructive thought someone knocked on his door.  
He grunted something that was similar to a “Yes.” and the door opened up.  
  
Harley entered his room and suddenly electricity shot through Peter’s body. If only for a split second.  
“Hey uhm I had my first day at school at uh Midtown?” Peter nodded. So Tony really did put him there. Cute.   
“Anyways uh there was a girl who kind of intimidated me uh MJ? She told me to tell you that she and Ned miss you. Not only in school?”   
Peter thought it might be because of his withdrawal but suddenly he was crying.   
Tears that had been held captive behind his eyelids for too long were finally fighting their way out of his repression.   
“Can you tell them I miss them too?” He asked so quietly and reticent that it was hard for Harley to hear, but he did. It broke his heart to see this adorable boy breaking apart in front of him. He didn’t know what was wrong with Peter or with himself. But he was somewhat determined to help him. 

“I will. I promise.” Peter actually smiled through his tears and Harley’s heart clenched painfully. Dumb crush. 

“Uh Peter? If you ever need me to I don’t know, distract you or just to talk hit me up.” Harley smiled a little, hoping it would convey the message of ‘Hey I really like you and I hope you can trust me soon’.   
And Peter?   
He smiled back. A little, timid smile.   
But his heart was beating a little more vivid for the first time in months.   
  


Peter knew it wouldn’t last. Nothing that made him happy would last. But maybe he could try to enjoy it anyway.

When Harley headed from Peter’s room to the kitchen he suddenly heard someone else sob. Someone he never knew would cry. “Pepper I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.” 

Harley hated to eavesdrop but if Tony was crying it must be serious right?   
“Tony I know this is hard. Especially with your past-” “That is the problem Pep I...I think I might not be as over it as I thought I was. Peter’s situation just brings up a lot…” 

Harley heard Pepper sigh. “I know Tony. If I could take this pain away from you, I would.” Tony sobbed once more. 

“I hate to see him like this Pepper. When I tried to kill me, it was the worst feeling in the world. Nothing, really nothing compared to this. And to know that Peter is in the same situation? I can’t Pepper, I just can not cope with this. How am I supposed to show him that it really does get better when I am such a pathetic-” 

“Anthony Edward Stark don’t you dare to finish this sentence. This year has been hard on both of you. You won’t lose him again Tony. We will get through this and Peter will be fine again. And if you ever call yourself pathetic again I will get every person whose life you have saved into this place and let them praise you. Let us help you help him. You don’t have to do it alone.” It was silent for a moment apart from some heavy breathes that should belong to Tony. “He harmed himself again Pep. The medication was supposed to fit perfectly to his brain and it only let him get worse. Worse enough for him to relapse.” 

“Tony you out of all people know that recovery is not linear. And we stopped his meds for now, didn’t we? You and I, we will get him out of this. Even if this means that you have to lay back sometimes.” Pepper sighed again. 

But Harley did not further listen.   
He was too busy listening to his own heart break.   
  
This adorable, beautiful and obviously smart boy that made his heart beat faster and his day sweeter had tried to end his life.   
  
He didn’t know what to do, but his feet dragged him back to Peter’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I hope you all liked this chapter! Please leave a comment and also let me know if any of you have requests or wishes that could be included! 
> 
> Also I hope I could convey the troubling mood swings and problems that can come with taking antidepressants. Peter's experience is mostly based on my first experience and I didn't ever want to take meds again after that, but now I have been on some good shit(tm) for over two years and they changed my life! 
> 
> But Peter is not there yet...so buckle up hehe
> 
> Lots of love xo


	11. I’ll be forgiven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley is an idiot, Peter deals (or rather doesn’t) with his withdrawal and MJ saves the day.

Peter let his feelings wash over him. After Harley had left he couldn’t help but actually smile a little.    
MJ and Ned still cared about him. He had thought that he had actually scared them away with his shitty behaviour of the past months.    
His emotions were still overwhelming due to the withdrawal and the remaining meds in his system. Saying it was hard for him to not just cry out of joy would be a blunt understatement. 

  
How did he deserve these amazing friends? 

  
‘ _ You don’t. You will be their ruin. Everyone you are about dies you dumb fuck.’ _   
His joy crumbled. The voices in his head louder than usual.

But they were met with an unusual amount of serotonin.

So the joy and relief did not entirely crumble away.   
He knew that his head was lying. But sometimes it was hard to distinguish what was a lie and what was the truth.    
But after all the conversations with Tony and Pepper and also the fact that neither of them had died yet, he dared to hope that his death curse was a lie too.    
  
It didn’t take long for the rest of his happiness to crumble when Harley suddenly bursted into his room again. “Tell me it’s not true.”    
Peter blinked confused. “Sorry but the earth is not flat?” He guessed still in a lighter mood than usual. But Harley did not jump onto the joke.    
“Tell me that you didn’t try to kill yourself.”    
  
Peter paled.    
His heart dropped to the bottom of the Hudson river and shattered.    
  
“I...I can’t Harley. I can not tell you that. I mean I could but that would be a lie.”    
He answered lacking any kind of emotion. He felt his mind leave his body. Protecting him from the confrontation he was facing.    
But for the first time in months he didn’t want his emotionless protection to consume him again. 

He just wanted that little warm feeling of joy from earlier back.    
But all hope for that vanished when Harley started crying and let himself fall to the ground.    
  
Peter did certainly not expect that.    
  
“Uhm?” He got up and sat down next to the crying boy and petted his hair.   
God this was awkward. 

Especially since some part of his brain remarked that even when Harley was crying he was beautiful.

Peter was so fucked.    
  
“I know suicide is not a cute topic but...we barely know each other, why do you even react like this?” It wasn’t meant to sound rude, Peter was seriously curious. Because people, from his experience, either got uncomfortable and shut up or just started preaching once the topic came up.

They certainly did not start breaking down in front of him.    
Harley looked up, tears still running over his (way too pretty) face. 

“Because I like you.” He said bluntly.    
And Peter didn’t know if he hated or loved that his heart jumped at this.    
“How...how do you even know about this? Did Tony just tell you?!” Suddenly he felt rage boiling up in him, overthrowing and burning the butterflies that had blossomed at Harley’s Statement. 

And he once again cursed the medication and the withdrawal for making his emotions so much more wired up. 

“No I uh eavesdropped. Pepper and Tony were talking and I know I shouldn’t but...Peter why? Why would you try this? I mean life is shit but-”    
Peter snapped. 

All rationality gone.    
“Yeah life is shit I know. But you don’t get to run in my room and ask me why I tried to end it. I have been through enough shit this year, hell even this life, I have fought enough battles and frankly I don’t give a fuck what you think I should or shouldn’t do. I wanted to die, so I tried and failed. Hell I still want to die but I have been fighting every fucking day for the past week and a half to not just cut my own throat praying that it would work.”   
Peter was so mad. This boy had seen his friends today, he had eavesdropped on Tony and Pepper and then he had the audacity to tell him that life is shit?! 

“I have dealt with trauma and depression my entire life and I just want to be at peace for once!”    
And that was it.    
Peter had enough.    
He pushed past Harley, out of the room and away.    
  
Harley was frozen.    
  
How did this escalate so quickly?!    
But once his brain began working again every alarm bell was ringing.    
  
Peter ran away.    
  
“FRIDAY is Peter still in the tower?” He whispered towards the ceiling. “It appears  Protocol 1104 ‘Eight Eyes on the Eight Legs’ has been breached and Peter Parker-Stark has left the building. Boss and Mrs Boss have been informed and are already preparing to search for him.”    
Harley could feel the panic attack roll over him. He could feel the short breaths coming, the dizziness and the panic in his chest.    
“Mr Keener I would advise you to contact a friend. I have dialed MJ on your phone. She is a trusted friend of Peter according to my database.”   
Harley was too short of breath to demand the AI to stop. “Keener?” He was still fighting for his breath. “Hey Harley listen to me. Listen to my voice. You heard my voice for the first time today and it better soothes you because I have a super soothing voice. Do you hear how soothing it is? Breath with me deep breath in. Hold it. Hold it. Hooold it. Let go. And again.”    
Harley was seriously stunned at how patient and kind MJ dealt with him in that moment. 

He did certainly not deserve this after what happened earlier. 

“MJ I fucked up.” 

It didn’t take more than an hour for hell to break upon Harley. 

He had met MJ at a coffee shop close to the tower. She said he could not come to her place, but staying in the tower wouldn’t help him either. 

Especially after Tony losing his entire shit.

Not directed at him.

But Harley couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“Hey Keener. Focus on me.” MJ snipped her fingers in front of his face. “Sorry he mumbled.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t apologize your brain is currently overwhelmed. I mean fair enough you fucked up bad.” “Hey I didn’t know he would snap like that!” She smirked. 

“Good that you know that. Now remind yourself that this is only partly your fault.” Harley nodded.

He didn’t tell MJ what the reason of him confronting Peter was. 

He had already broken his crush’s trust enough. 

So MJ knew Peter snapped, that Peter was in danger because of himself and that Iron Man was frantically searching the city.

“I’m so afraid to go home.” MJ nodded. “I doubt Pepper would let anything happen to you. And even though I’m not a fan of men in power, Tony Stark seems like he isn’t completely irrational.” Harley shook his head. “That’s not what I meant...I’m afraid they’ll send me back to Tennessee. Would get why…”

Michelle rolled her eyes. Why were men always this...irrational?! 

But instead of offering a snarky remark, she just padded his head.

“They won’t send you back Keener.” Harley just laid his head down on the table. “You don’t know that.” 

“No, but I know Peter. You could stab that guy and he’d still offer you his kidney. No matter what you did, he won’t let Tony ship you off.”

Harley sniffed.

“God why does he have to be so perfect?!”

MJ laughed a little. “I know right?” 

She didn’t tell him that this oh so perfect behavior had turned into self sacrificial idiocy that tended to destroy Peter.

She just hoped they’d soon get a message from Tony that Peter was save.

Even though she might not know what happened, she knew Peter. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy! I wanted to upload earlier but you know - life. Anyways I hope you all enjoyed this chapter please let me know in the comments!! Peter’s experience with withdrawal is based on my own. Lots of love for you all! xo


	12. Nothing you can say can stop me going home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter ran away. What will he do?

Peter was surprised.    
He did not expect to snap this bad.   
  
Once he was out of the tower, his feet, heart and mind were racing.    
He did not think about where he was or where he wanted to go. Just away.    
Peter didn’t know if it was the dissociation, the panic or just the rush from running away, but he didn’t feel time or space moving alongside him.    
  


Because Harley knew. And Peter?    
Peter’s heart was broken. Because Harley could have been a new start.    
He was nobody to Harley.    
Neither broken, nor fixed.    
Neither friend nor foe.    
To Harley Peter had been Schrödinger’s person.    
  
And only once that situation was over Peter realized how much that meant to him.    
Because to everyone else he already had been someone.    
A burden.    
Burdening.    
A burdening friend, son, nephew, collegeau.    
  
And his chance to not be a burden to Harley was gone.    
  
He just needed to get over with it. Everything Peter had thought of (apart from Harley’s freckles) the past week was trying again.    
No not trying, succeeding.    
He needed to succeed.    
  
So Peter once again headed for something tall.    
But this time he could not bother about bridges. They were too save.    
  
High buildings in New York were no rarity. 

And finally Peter stopped running, yet the frenzy in his mind would not calm down.    
Where?    
WherewherewherewhereDOIT 

WHERE?!    
  
He took a deep breath while he was looking around. 

And it suddenly hit him.    
Because he knew this city like no one else. He had had enough talks with Karen about what would be lethal and what wouldn’t.    
But when Peter was looking around at all these great and tall buildings surrounding him. Oddly he didn’t feel the urge to climb any of them.    
  


Maybe...maybe he didn’t want to die. He just didn’t want to cope with his life anymore, with the pain he was in and the pain he put others trough.    
  
Peter was exhausted.    
Not only from almost running for two miles, but from life, from the past week and the promises he made and broke.    
He wanted to hurt, he wanted to die (didn’t he?!).    
But right in that instance all he wanted was a hug.    
He wanted to be normal.    
Not human normal.

He just wanted his brain to work.    
Please, please why wouldn’t his brain work?!    
  
He ran into a drugstore and bought some refill razors with the credit card that Tony had given to him. For emergencies.

Oh and what an emergency it was.

Peter didn’t care that everyone would know.

He just  _ needed _ this.

Peter needed to get up. Somewhere high.    
Not do die, but to breath. 

  
He wanted to breath, wanted that feeling of joy back from earlier. 

That little bit of serotonin that would mean the world to him.    
And he only could think of one way to get it. 

  
Peter adjusted himself on the roof of the closest apartment building he had seen.    
He would not remove the hoodie ( he was already freezing due to his lacking ability to thermoregulate) but he pushed up the sleeves of his left arm.    
  
There was anticipation thickening the air. It would be happening, he would finally do it again. He gently unwrapped the razors.    
Like he wouldn’t just use them to slice his own skin open.    
A little smile, but without any joy, was forming on his lips once he had settled down.

The razor in his right hand turning into the weight of the world.    
  
_ Do it! Prove yourself that you can’t be happy unless you are hurting you freak!  _   
  
Peter gulped. Tears were gathering in his eyes. What was wrong?! Where was his joy?! Where was his relief?! Why was his head forcing him?! He wanted this, right?!   
  
Instead of further pondering about the sudden lack of joy for what he was about to do, Peter started to cut.    
He applied a well practiced amount of pressure, splitting his skin evenly and causing the blood to gather slowly.    
And then he waited. 

Blood was bubbling up.    
Running down his arm.    
And he waited.    
Until he realized, that no. 

The joy would not come back.    
And then?    
He screamed. Until his throat hurt and he was out of air.

  
But instead of catching oxygen he started to sob through shaky breaths.    
Maybe he did want to die. 

Thrown out were his ‘realization’ that he didn’t want to end his life.   
Not even his most trusted happiness supplier worked anymore.

That’s it. He would never feel joy again. 

He was doomed.

As if he didn’t know that before.   
His brain had given up.    
Every neuron was burning.    
Every atom was out of energy.   
  
And Peter was the last to get the message.    
  
_ It is over.  _   
  
He played with the blade in his right hand.    
He could open up the scars that were almost completely healed on his right wrist and finally add some at the left wrist.   
He would die in perfect symmetry.   
  
Even though he had heard the Iron Man thrusters moments ago, he didn’t hurry or even attempted to go on with his wish.    
  
Neither of them spoke when Peter heard the Armour open up.    
  
Peter figured that Tony was scared he would do something wrong. Upset him again.    
Make him explode again.    
The silence was heavy, not even the soundscape of New York City reached them.

They were caught in a vacuum.

Time and space had lost meaning to Peter so long ago that day.

Yet his earlier realization creeped it’s way back up in his conscious.

  
“Does...does it get better?”    
  
“Yes.”    
  
The older man did not hesitate nor did he need any explanation. He knew what Peter meant. He knew he was craving it. Yearning for release. Even though he could see the bloody line on his son’s left arm he knew that this time it hadn’t been enough.    
  
“Will I be happy again?” Peter turned around. His bloodshot, teary eyes pierced Tony’s. Making sure he would get the truth.    
And Tony was more than willing to provide it.    
“Yes. It won’t be an easy road. But you will feel happiness again. Pure and good happiness, without any lingering regret.”    
Peter searched for a spark of dishonesty in his father’s eyes.    
But the more he searched, the more tears were leaving his body.    
  
Because he couldn’t find anything suggesting that the superhero was lying.    
  
And Peter broke down.

His body had given up against the cold and his mind.   
  
“I just want to be happy Dad. Please. Please make it all go away. I just want to be happy.”    
Peter was wailing. Broken to the core. But Tony was with him not seconds after his knees had hit the roof.   
“I got you bambi.” Holding him tight, to make sure he really was there, Tony promised himself to never let this boy be broken again.    
  
Not like this. 

“I never feel real Tony. Never. I am either floating or feeling too much or nothing at all.” Peter whispered once Tony had wrapped him in a heat blanket. They had made their way back to the penthouse in Avengers Tower only moments ago and Peter was still cursed with blue eyes and shivers. 

The older man nodded solemnly. And handed Peter a cup of coffee.    
“Yes that is a common form of coping with trauma.” Peter raised an eyebrow. 

“Do you have a PhD in Psychology I don’t know about?” Tony laughed a little and shook his head. 

“Na I dropped out of that, got me too deep. No, but it is what my therapist told me, when I was dealing with the same.” Peter’s eyes doubled in size.    
“You too?” Tony nodded. “I have been going to therapy for...oh god over ten years.”

Peter let that sink in. 

“But didn’t you...you know try to do it earlier than that?” 

Tony’s face darkened and Peter regretted speaking. 

“Don’t you dare to feel sorry for asking. Yes I was way younger when I tried to die. But nobody cared, you know? So nobody forced or helped me to get better. I just drowned myself more and more in alcohol. I quit drugs. The harming got worse. Then Rhodey came back into my life. He helped a lot. But I was still an alcoholic.” Tony shrugged, a stoic expression on his face. 

Peter tried to not be hurt that Tony wouldn’t let his guard down entirely.    
But then again, he did not do anything of that either. 

“I don’t know if I really want to die. I just...don’t want anyone, neither me nor the people close to me, to be in pain...because of me.” Peter whispered.    
Tony once again cuddled his son.    
“Peter nobody could ever be hurt because of you, unless you actively seek out to hurt someone. Your existence is not the reason for pain in other people’s life. The only way you could hurt us is if you leave.” Peter sobbed once again.    
“It just...hurts so much. I just want to be okay Dad.”    
“I promise you will.” 

Another moment of silence.

“Should I send Harley home?” 

Peter shot up, panic on his face. “NO! Please...I...it was not his fault I snapped. The meds and withdrawal are a bitch…”

Tony snorted. “Yeah it really is not nice to go through. But I am glad you don’t want him to leave.”   
Peter blushed.    
No he certainly did not want to envision the tower without Harley anymore. 

Did not want to think about the lack of heart stutters and butterflies he would feel.    
Did certainly not want to think about missing his daydreams.

Or that cheeky, confident boy.   
  
But not too far away from Tony and Peter said boy was sobbing in his pillow case.    
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Darlings I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please leave comments, they always brighten my day!   
Lots of love! xo


	13. Can you see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Peter talk. For real.

_ You’re a horrible person. No wonder your mother got so comfortable with the thought of you being dead! _

Harley was not a person who cried easily. But this entire day had been too much for him. 

He and MJ had separated after they left the coffee shop and when he came home he was...not stable but a little more put together.   
But when he was alone in his room again, he suffocated.    
  
He knew from Pepper that Peter and Tony were back. And despite her wanting to stay, he sent her away.    
Too afraid of any form of affection.    
  


So there he was, crying his eyes out, laying on his bed and praying to the universe that he just disappeared. 

It had hit him just how much he liked Peter. And it scared him.    
Not only because of what had happened earlier, but because he was  _ Harley.  _   
  
Harley was to destroying relationships what Tony was to engineering - a true mastermind.    
He had destroyed the relationship of his parents, the relationship to his own father, to every friend he had ever made and then his mother and sister.    
Now he was about to destroy his last tank of oxygen while he was already drowning.    
  
Because he was utterly convinced that Tony would kick him out. Why shouldn’t he? Harley had sent his suicidal son into a frenzy that had led to him running away.    
The only thing that had calmed his heart was Pepper promising him, that Peter was okay. 

_ You never deserved this anyway Keener. You are a faggot and that is what they deserve - hell.  _ _   
_ _   
_ His tears were flooding his eyes. If only he wasn’t such a...gay person.    
  
“Harley?” A tiny whisper had him hitting reality. There was Peter, skin pale and eyes exhausted, scanning him.    
“What is wrong?” 

Harley couldn’t stop himself from laughing a little, while he sat himself up to sit on his bed. “After everything that happened today you are still more concerned about anyone else but you.” 

Peter blushed and Harley had never felt his mood switch from internalized homophobia to “thank god I am gay” that quick.

  
“I-uhm no not anyone. Just...people I like.” Now it was Harley’s turn to blush.    
Peter stepped closer and Harley’s breath hitched.    
  
He was such a hopeless case. 

“I...wanted to apologize. It was not fair of me to snap like that. It’s uhm I am changing medication right now and the withdrawal as well as the meds themselves are...shit.” He smiled an insecure smile up at Harley.

He swore his stupid heart had stopped. 

“You...have nothing to be sorry for you know? I shouldn’t have eavesdropped and I really shouldn’t have reacted like that. It was insensitive and unfair. I just...the thought of you not being here? That shit hurt.” 

An emotion that Harley couldn’t place crossed Peter’s face. He wondered what was going on in his head. 

“I will be okay you know? It is hard to believe, but...Tony promised it would get better. And even though he is...Tony. I trust him.” 

Harley nodded silently. 

“But you don’t seem too peachy either Keener. Want to talk?” 

Harley’s eyes searched Peter’s and he dearly wondered why it felt like Peter was pleading him to open up.    
Maybe he didn’t want to talk about himself? Rather try and cope with someone else’s problems than his own?    
Harley was familiar with that kind of ‘coping’, after all he invented it. 

Kinda. 

  
“I...am a fuck up. Like a really awful case of fuck up. My head has me convinced that I am the reason people disappear from my life, that they either start to hate me or just don’t care anymore. And after today I was...sure you and Tony would hate me, too. And even though Tony is just that weird old man that once broke into my garage he is like my last lifeline?” 

Harley had his gaze fixed on the hands in his lap.    
Peter had sat down next to him and was now cautiously grabbing Harley’s hands. He wondered if the boy felt the same excitement in his chest as he did when their hands touched.

And suddenly he heard a little sob coming from the boy next to him. 

“Pete? What’s wrong?” Harley held onto Peter’s hands, unsure what to do.

“It’s...I feel the same? But like with everyone around me dying. I know that it’s my fault, but I also kinda know it’s my head telling me this? Even though it rather feels like a lie. And...I thought it was just me being so fucked up.” 

Harley couldn’t help but laugh a little. 

“You might win the round of fuck up but I’m really close second Parker!” 

Peter smiled through his tears and it took everything in Harley to not just lean in and kiss the tears away.    
They stayed like that for a moment until Peter laid his head on Harley’s shoulder and hummed in content. 

“Can I ask you where you went after I left? I mean Tony told me that you had a breakdown yourself but that someone helped you take care of it…”    
Harley raised an eyebrow. 

“Not to be cocky right now but are you jealous Mr Parker-Stark?” 

Peter blushed a little. 

“No. I am. Curious.” Harley snorted. 

“Hello curious my name is Harley.”    
Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

“Oh my god why do I always fall for literal idiots.” That caught Harley off guard. 

“Uh uhm you uhm?” 

He might be on a genius scale but words had never been his strong suit.    
And it showed. 

  
But Peter just grinned a cocky grin.    
“Sorry I don’t speak idiot.” 

Harley huffed. 

“I called MJ, she calmed me down and we met at a coffee shop. And before you get all jelly, remember: I am gay and MJ is scary.” 

Peter laughed a little.    
“Did I tell you that we used to date before all this went down?” Harley was dumbstruck. “What?! No?! We barely talked at all before today?! I am still not convinced that you are actually herr all affectionate and soft?! ” Peter seemed to think about that for a moment. “Huh. True. Weird. In my mind we are way further down the road. Reality is weird.” 

  
Yeah weird, because Harley’s extensive emotional defense system usually did not allow anyone to get emotionally close to him unless they stick around for a while. 

But Peter? He had wormed his way right into Harley’s heart and the boy was still not sure, if he hated or loved it. 

“But don’t worry we broke up because she got a crush on a friend of mine and turned out she prefers girls.” 

Harley scoffed.

“Can’t relate.” 

Peter giggled, his head still on Harley’s shoulder. 

“I mean girls can be cute, but boys too.” 

“Boys are superior don’t @ me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little heads up in case you all wonder why they were suddenly so close in this chapter:
> 
> I feel like everything that held Peter back from softening down and getting to know Harley is a little calmed down after he snapped last chapter? And honestly, after I got down from my meds my emotions were super confusing and sometimes I would literally yearn for any form of comfort from my friends (no matter how close or not close we were) and sometimes I would straight-up hate the person I loved just a day before. 
> 
> Also I am so not capable of writing slow burn, because I literally either fuck something up super quick or try to make it work super quick in real life. 
> 
> Also, I drank 2 litres of high caffeinated coffee today. 
> 
> Please let me know what you all think oh and btw I have tumblr for updates and me saying dumb shit. 
> 
> Tumblr: https://banditobrew.tumblr.com/


	14. My Eyes Are Shinning Bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You, Me, Candle Light and a Therapist

Peter did not wake up in a great mood. Despite his nice evening with Harley, his brain would not leave him alone. Why should it be easy for once?

He woke up around 10am. 

Knowing that the world had already started spinning.

Everybody was either at work or at school or at least trying.    
But Peter Parker-Stark?    
He had to be that little brat that just could not make it out of bed.    
  


At least that was, what he thought.    
  
It took him another hour to get out of bed. What was the point anyway?    
He would pee, eat and then probably go back to bed just to repeat that cycle over and over. 

That’s what he had done for the past week.

The only difference happened the day prior. And frankly Peter didn’t want to think about it.

Or the cut that was steadily turning into a scar.

So yes it took him an hour to leave his room.

To, as he thought, repeat the endless circle of pain.

  
When he entered the living room area Tony was there, together with Morgan.    
Nothing too unusual, but Peter had not seen this scenery in a while. To be fair the past days had been rough not only on him, but Tony too. 

“Petey!” Morgan exclaimed happily and jumped up, forgotten her father who was wearing a pink tiara.    
Peter actually smiled a little and Morgan squealed. “You are smiling Petey! That is so amazing! I love you smiling.” She hugged him and despite Peter not wanting to feel better, he accepted her love.    
He had already felt bad for how rude he had dealt with her the past days.    
The hug he received from her was so warm and something in his chest had suddenly come to life.    
Not for long thou, but still he was genuinely grateful for that split second of comfort.    
“Hey Morguna.” He tried his best to hide his sadness behind a shy smile and Morgan did not seem to mind or notice.    
“Petey Pie Petey Pie!” She cheered.    
Peter’s eyes found Tony and his father was watching them both interacting. Pure love and care taking over his expression.    
“Morning Pete.” Morgan frowned. 

“It is not morning after 12!” Tony got up and chuckled while Peter was overtaken by a feeling of shame.

No matter what anyone would tell him, Morgan was right. Who was he to take his sweet time to get out of bed?

“But time is relative Morguna and Peter just got out of bed. So it is morning for him.”    
Morgan thought about this for a second. “When I go to school in the morning, can I make it my morning after getting out of bed too?” Peter laughed a little at that.    
His little sister was definitely her parent’s child. 

_ Unlike you. You just sneaked into their nest. You parasite. _ _   
_ His smile did not falter, but it still felt like something broke inside of him.    
  
“Morgan why don’t you look where Mommy is and ask her?”    
Morgan nodded with a serious expression on her face. 

“Yes Mommy makes the rules anyway.” 

And with that she ran off.    
  
Tony sighed. 

“Your sister is keeping me on my toes.” 

Peter nodded, still a slight, yet faked, smile on his face. 

“Peter stop acting, that smile is just as real as Bucky’s left arm.” 

His serious expression made Peter actually whip away the smile in a second and let an apathetic expression take over its place. 

  
“How you holding up champ?”    
Peter shrugged. 

“Didn’t have a good night. And honestly after everything that happened yesterday I feel like any emotional reservoir has been emptied.” 

Tony nodded at this, trying to hide how relieved he was that Peter did not bother to filter his emotions or hide them. Yet a little part of him worried for the reason of this.

“Yeah your brain went through a lot of neurotransmitters yesterday. It definitely isn’t used to that anymore.” 

Peter snorted at that. “Yeah that lazy hunk. Go do your work!”    
Tony smiled at the boy even though it wasn’t anything funny in particular. But Peter said it and that meant a lot. Because it was just some dumb light hearted comment. 

“Talked to Harley last night. He can be really sweet.” 

Tony was a bit dumbstruck by this comment.

Sure Harley was amazing but sweet was definitely not the first word he associated with the boy.    
Rather sarcastic or lack of decency. 

“Uh that is really nice!” Peter actually smiled at the face Tony seemed to make at that moment.    
“You look so confused right now I wish I could take a picture.” 

“I took care of it Peter, the entire situation has been recorded and saved to ‘Tony gets confused too’ folder.” 

FRIDAY let them know and Tony groaned while running his hand over his face. “Why did I make you again?” 

He asked towards the ceiling. 

“Because you are generally lacking trust into any person you do not know so instead of hiring people you replaced them with me.” 

Peter once again found himself almost laughing at Tony’s dumb face.    
Finally the engineer rolled his eyes. 

“Should have made you less intelligent. … Anyways good to hear that you and Harley get along! Especially after what went down...yesterday.” 

And reality once again hit Peter.    
He ran away.    
He wanted to die.    
Or did he?    
He wanted to hurt.

Didn’t he?!    
No…

“I just wanted to feel happy. Like...earlier Harley had told me that MJ and Ned miss me at school despite me being a total dick and it made me so happy but then all that happened and I just wanted the feeling back but I did not want to die kinda but then cutting didn’t-” Peter did not realize that he had talked himself into a frenzy or that he was about to hyperventilate. 

“-eter breath with me deep inhale in, come on breath with me, hold it and release.”    
Tony was slowly making progress in the department of taking care of panic attacks that are not his own. 

Pepper had told him some of her tricks she used on him. 

“S-sorry I...it feels like I lost any filter? Like I just...I had hidden all this so long and now I just can’t hold it anymore because the dam was breaking anyway and now you know and okay yeah.” 

Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath.    
Tony was silent for a second and thought it was time to address something he really needed to talk to Peter about.    
  
“Kid...why don’t you start therapy? It is amazing and helps a lot and therapists can actually offer you advice after your rambling.” 

He smiled softly, trying to signal Peter that it was okay, that it would help him.    
But he was met with a stoic expression on the teenagers face. 

Tony sighed. God why did Peter have to be like him? 

“Tony...I really don’t feel like this would...do any good.”    
Peter was fighting. Tony could see that. 

And Peter really was struggling. Because he  _ knew  _ it would probably help him, it is an advice he would give any friend.

But he was Peter. He was Spider-Man.    
He did not need therapy. 

He did not  _ deserve  _ therapy. 

“I...I can’t do this Tony. Not now.”    
“If not now when will be the time?” 

Tony was so scared for Peter. He could not lose his kid.    
He could not lose his son. 

But Peter’s brain again switched from being cooperative to being defensive and angry.    
“I don’t know Tony okay?! Maybe someday after my third or fifth attempt when I have given up on myself?! I don’t need this, I don’t deserve this!”    
Peter rushed away and Tony did not attempt to stop him.

  
FRIDAY had instructions to not let Peter leave the tower under any non life threatening circumstances.    
  
“Wow seems like it’s not entirely my fault that he flipped out yesterday.” 

Tony almost jumped to the ceiling when the voice appeared behind him.    
“Harley for fucks sake what the fuck are you doing there?!” 

Harley smirked and walked over to Tony. “Wow you really learned to not curse around the youth.” 

He poured himself a cup of coffee and jumped on the counter.    
Tony had given up on trying to tell either him or Peter to not sit on the counter.    
Both of the had said it’s a queer thing.    
Tony didn’t get it, but then proceeded to ignore it.    
Pepper could take care of it at some point. 

  
“No...Peter is just…” Tony was looking for fitting words. 

“Overwhelmed?” Shocked that the word fit he looked up. 

“Yeah. How...do you know?”    
Harley shrugged. “Been there. Angry teenager trying to not let his emotions get the best of him? Tony please that is my entire aesthetic.” 

Tony rolled his eyes. 

“Why can’t you provide helpful comments without being an edgy teen?” 

Harley once again shrugged. But before he could open his mouth Tony raised a finger. “Don’t you dare say it’s your aesthetic.” 

Harley closed his mouth again and smirked.    
“Should I try to talk to him?” Harley asked after they spend a moment in silence. His voice was softer than Tony has ever heard him and a big part of him was curious about this. But the majority of his mind was occupied with worry about Peter.    
  
“I don’t know Harls...what do you know about therapy?” Harley’s entire facade dropped within a second, a serious expression on his face. 

“Nothing. But that is the point Tony. You trying to convince him of something you are already sold on. I am fucking terrified of therapy. But I would...do it. If he did it.”    
Tony thought about this for a second. 

“Peer pressure did work different when I was your age.” Harley snorted. 

“Old man, drugs are old school we peer pressure each other in way more scary shit. Facing our emotions and living a long and healthy life in a society that is about to collapse.” 

Tony actually laughed a little about that remark.    
“Try your luck Harley. Please. I can’t...I can’t lose him again.” Harley nodded solemnly and jumped from the counter. 

“I just found him man. He won’t get rid of me that easy.” 

“Peter?” 

Harley knocked at Peter’s door. 

He had asked FRIDAY where he would find the boy and knew that he was in his room.    
“I know you are in there. Can I please come in?” 

It was silent for a horrible long moment. 

“Yea.” The door opened and Harley entered.    
The last time he was in this room was after he had burst in the day before confronting Peter about his suicide attempt.    
And yet it felt like it happened in another life. 

“Hey Darlin’ how are you holding up today?” He knew he was laying it out thick but he really cared about Peter.    
What rather surprised him was that Peter sat up and searched for his gaze. 

“Did you just call me Darlin in the thickest southern accent I have ever heard?” He almost smirked and Harley’s heart was singing.    
“Yeah. I was teached to be a gentleman to pretty people.” 

Peter blushed and Harley almost felt bad for making the poor boy’s brain doing a marathon from angry to sad to apathetic to flustered.    
But only almost.

  
“Uhm...I am okay? Not feeling the need to throw myself off of buildings. But also not wanting to dance around a fire celebrating life.” Harley nodded. 

“So it’s rather a ‘I wouldn’t mind if I got hit by a truck but I won’t throw myself in front of it’ mood?” He tried to keep his face straight but hoped Peter would get the lightheartedness of his words.    
When Peter smiled Harley wondered how he could have ever doubted that boy.    
“You really know how to charm a guy.” Harley almost laughed out loud. 

“If I did I wouldn’t be single like a broken pringle.” 

“It is a crime really. Someone should take you off the market.”

“Was that an offer?” 

Instead of answering Peter blushed furiously. 

“I mean I could offer you a super cute date. You, me, a therapist, isn’t that the dream of our generation?”    
At the mentioning of a therapist Peter’s entire face fell. 

“Don’t tell me you only got here because Tony told you to talk me into therapy. I won’t do it!” Almost getting angry again Peter jumped up. But Harley stayed calm. 

“Na. I came to look at your pretty face. But I eavesdropped again.” 

Peter rolled his eyes but sat down. “You never learn do you?” Harley smirked.    
“I do, I just purposefully ignore the lessons. Which is why I am trying to talk to you about it.”    
Peter huffed. “I am petrified of therapy.” Harley admitted silently. 

That made Peter actually perk up. “What?” 

Harley gulped and tried to look as serious as he could.    
“Emotions are scary darling. Like really fucking scary.” Peter nodded and they both sat in silent for a moment. 

Until Peter sighed.    
“You would go...to therapy with me? Even though you are afraid of it?” Harley nodded. 

“To be fair I would pretty much go anywhere with you even though I am afraid of it.”    
“That does neither sound smart nor like you have self-preservation skills.” Harley laughed.    
“I have a single brain cell and I think that Tony took it when he broke into my garage.”    
Peter frowned.    
“Wasn’t that like 10 years ago?” 

Harley shrugged. “I mean look around us most people were born without any brain cell and they are doing just fine.”    
Peter rolled his eyes. “Yeah but they are not such a smart pain in the ass.”    
Harley’s lips curled up into an evil grin. “A pain in the ass?” He wiggled his eyebrows.    
Peter blushed. “You know what I changed my mind, where is that truck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being inactive during the holidays but I was visiting my family and also time didn't feel real so here we are now. I made the chapter a little longer, trying to make up for the missed out time. 
> 
> I hope you liked it and please give me comments I am STARVING


	15. 'Cause I'm out here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not a good day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow hi I did not abandon this fic! Just had exams phase, then term paper phase, then a global pandemic happened and now I am in uni demands more than every phase. 
> 
> But hey that means I had another mental breakdown and after I spent the last night readings super sad and angsty fanfic I was like "I have a super sad and angsty fanfic too omg!" 
> 
> So enjoy this chapter!

He did not feel good. Not at all. Life was sucking itself out of his pores and he could feel his chest getting heavier with each breath.

Why today? 

It had been almost a week of daily therapy sessions, it’s been two weeks since Tony caught him and today would have been the day he was allowed back to school.

But he just couldn’t get up. He just could not get himself out of bed, no matter how hard he tried to trick himself into wanting to pee or eat a PB and Jelly sandwich.

His bones were heavier than anything he had ever lifted. And frankly, he hated it.

He heard his door opening, heard familiar footsteps and heartbeats. 

He opened his eyes and faced Tony’s.

His father’s eyes were filled with sympathy and warmth and he just wanted to feel warm and be held and cry, but he couldn’t. 

“Hey buddy...doesn’t seem like today’s the best day huh?” Peter just blinked. Hoping it would be enough to signal his misery. Tony sighed. “I don’t want to force you to go to school when you are not comfortable. But as of today, it’s not my decision. Are you up for school or rather not?”    
Now it was Peter’s turn to sigh. “I...think I want to stay home. Everything is just...so heavy? I don’t know if I can get when I try.” 

Tony nodded. 

“That’s a good decision kid. You want me to stay?” Peter managed to shake his head. “Harley?”

Tony chuckled. “Yeah I can ask him to come here before he leaves for school.”    
Peter was surprised when his lips involuntarily formed a smile.    
He started to realize how far gone he was for the southern boy. On the one hand, he hated himself for how good it made him feel to think about Harley, on the other hand...he was desperate for affection and love. 

Even when Harley would never requite his feelings, Peter wanted to swell a little in his dreams.    
If he had to spend a majority of his time in a dissociative state he could at least try and make it less shit. 

“Peter?” 

A quiet knock on the door, which proceeded to open, ripped Peter from his thoughts. There was Harley, freckles on his nose, coffee stains on the shirt, and backpack casually hanging from one shoulder. 

“Hey.” Peter tried to convey how happy it made him to see Harley, but his voice just wouldn’t work. 

“Oh damn not a good day sweetheart?” He came closer and sat down next to Peter on his bed. 

“Which day had been good Harley?” Peter tried to joke, even though he was afraid it came off more bitter than sarcastic. 

But Harley got it.    
“Mood you tumblr kid. But I am glad you choose to take care and not force yourself into something.” Peter scoffed. 

“It’s basic human self-care, it’s not hard for others, why should I get praise for it?” Harley smiled. 

“I mean I get you, but if someone without legs tries to run a marathon with people who have legs you would be proud if they get to finish around the same time as the other athletes. Your emotional legs are right now in casts of cement. And today you caught up on the other athletes.” 

Harley explained with a smooth voice.    
“That sounds very wise...and you are probably right. Let me know when you apply your wisdom to yourself Gandhi.” 

Peter joked to lighten the mood and Harley actually laughed, while Peter finally managed a smile. 

“Did you have to come for me like this?” Peter just smirked, while Harley had this certain glimmer in his eyes. 

“Master Keener I really hate to disrupt your flirting, but if you do not leave for school in the next three minutes, you will be late.” FRIDAY’s voice rang through Peter’s room.   
And Harley would have been annoyed if it wasn’t for Peter blushing furiously.    
“Well damn sweetheart seems like you have to wait till later to have more of my amazing charm.”    
Peter rolled his eyes, but his smile didn’t falter. 

With Harley gone, something old, and familiar settled in Peter’s chest. He knew this feeling too well, despite this feeling. Because it made him despise himself.    
God look at him, how far he had fallen. The mighty, amazing Spider-Man can’t even get up for school.    
Pathetic. 

He waited for the dissociation to take him away, to slip out of this reality that so clearly didn’t want him. 

The voice in his head was like a snake, going through his head, poisoning his mind. 

No.    
He wanted to get better. 

Right?    
He already fucked up a few days ago. He couldn’t keep fucking up.    
At some point Tony would be just as fed up with him as Peter already was. 

Peter felt his eyes water up. He prayed to a God he didn’t believe in to finally just let him slip into dissociation.    
  
He thought about how he could understand drug addicts. How he too craved everything to shut up. 

Next thing he remembers is Tony sitting next to him, two coffee mugs in hand. 

“-erroos? You with me?” Peter nodded, smacking his lips together to get the stale taste out of his mouth. “You want to have some? Helps me kick my sorry ass back to life more often than not.” Peter frowned. “Will it even work? Metabolism?” Tony shrugged. “It still tastes good.” Peter hummed and sat himself up before he reached out to take one of the mugs.    
They were silently sipping their beverages for a moment. “You want to tell me why you checked out?” Tony hummed. Not pressing, no urgency in his voice. Just utter and pure parental care. 

Peter shrugged. “ ‘t was all too much.” Tony hummed. “Senses, or?” Peter shook his head, eyes pinned on his coffee. It really did taste good. Better than anything he ever got from shitty bakeries for 1$. 

“Would it be cheesy to say life.” Tony chuckled. “Probably, but then again, nothing wrong with that.” 

“I just...sorry if that is insensitive but I get why people get addicted to drugs.” Tony drew in a sharp breath but didn’t stop Peter. “Everything is always too much, too overwhelming. I just wanted to ‘check out’. And not everyone has this ‘skill’” he chuckled darkly. “ so I get why people choose to...to destroy themselves to shut it all up. Or to feel something else.” 

Tony nodded solemnly. “Yeah...that is...pretty much what it is. When I was using...and sleeping around, it...took off the edge. Made me feel loved, made me not think of how much my family hated me, or how the entire world was looking at me.”    
“I am sorry Tony.” His father looked up surprised. “What for?” Peter shrugged and took another sip. “You always deserved to be loved.”    
Tony had a hard time not tearing up. God what was this kid doing to him. He took a shuddering breath, dangerously close to sniffle. 

“You too you know?” His voice betrayed his lousy charade. Peter just hummed in response.    
“You know you are loved Peter, right?” Peter hummed. “I think I do. Just haven’t realized it yet.”   
Tony nodded. He understood Peter.    
Knowing and realizing feelings where like day and night.

Before Tony left he hugged Peter in an awkward one arm hug. 

  
“Love you kid.” 

“Love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter: twitter.com/giveemcoffeekid


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